Wednesday, November 29, 2006; C09

Dear Amy:

I am engaged to a woman whom I have been dating for 18 months. We plan to get married next year. We each have children from previous marriages, are 50 years old and are well-paid professionals. I am financially secure, and she is tens of thousands of dollars in debt because of poor spending habits.

I told my fiancee that I want a prenuptial agreement. I will pay off a portion of her debts and take care of all of our common living expenses -- housing, cars, food, utilities, insurance, etc., so that she can pay off her debts with her income, then put away some savings for herself. We will keep our finances separate. I can do whatever I see fit with my money; she can do the same with hers.

I told my sons about my marriage plan and my intention of leaving them a portion of my money if something happens to me. I will also leave some to my fiancee and some to my ex-wife to give her a bit of a financial safety net should she need it. I thought that it was the right thing to do, as my ex-wife and I were married for 18 years, and we had no money when we married.

When my fiancee found out what I told my sons, she became very upset. She bitterly complained that it was not fair to her and that she was being slighted. I have no doubt that she loves me, and I love her. We really do enjoy being with each other.

I do think that she is not being gracious enough. I had nothing to do with how she got into her financial difficulty, and I am going to help her in what I think is a very reasonable way.

Amy, am I wrong?

Need Second Opinion

Are you wrong to provide financially for four people -- after you are dead? No. Are you wrong to help your fiancee climb out of debt? No. Are you wrong to take care of your ex? No. Are you wrong to want a prenup? Definitely not.

Are you wrong to want your fiancee to be more gracious about a financial deal that, even though it might be favorable to her, is still being imposed on her? Yup.

Ideally, this deal-making would involve the two of you as a couple. Even though you plan to keep your finances separate, your lives will be commingled, and your fiancee no doubt wants to be involved in decisions that will have a direct impact on her.

One thing I like about prenuptial agreements is that they can compel couples to discuss and negotiate their way through their financial future together. It sounds as if you are imposing a set of values and boundaries on your fiancee, and even though it is your right to do what you want with your money, you shouldn't expect her to like everything about it.

As part of your prenup, you and your fiancee should also discuss and agree upon the maximum level of consumer debt that either of you can maintain. It sounds to me as if your fiancee has a real spending problem, which could become your problem when you marry and if, God forbid, you divorce.

Dear Amy:

How do I get it across to people that I don't keep their hours? I have worked nights and have had people, including family, call during the day when I am sleeping. Now because of animals getting me up at 2 or 3 a.m., I go to bed at around 7:30 to 8 p.m., and people often seem to call me after that time.

How do I get the message across that I am sleeping at a certain time?

Sleepless

Like you, I don't like to take calls at night. Like you, I sometimes don't want to talk on the phone during the day. However, sometimes friends and family forget the optimal hours to call. Sometimes old pals who have had one too many engage in a little drunken dialing late at night, and who doesn't love that? Telemarketers also have an unerring ability to call at dinnertime, even if it is at 2 p.m.

The solution is to get an answering machine or voice mail, my friend. You turn the ringer off and the machine retrieves your calls. If you care to, you can remind callers on your outgoing message that the best time to reach you is between 5 and 7 p.m.

Dear Amy:

I am a 14-year-old girl. I need to buy a Christmas gift for my boyfriend of seven months, but I have no idea what to get! Is there some secret rule that women use to find the perfect gift every time? Help!

Giftless

As far as I know, many women never get it right when it comes to giving guys gifts.

A DVD of a movie or TV show that the two of you could watch and enjoy together might be a good fit. Just make sure that your pick isn't too "girlie." Stay away from "The Notebook."

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.comor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2006by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.