Question Celebrity

What words of solace can I summon for those who may yet have some shred of faith in celebrity matrimony? The news of the end of one high-sheen Hollywood marriage (Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe) was followed within days by the end of a much less admired, though far more saga-heavy, pairing (Britney Spears and Kevin Federline).

Yet even in the face of these failures, the fame machine seems determined to convince us that there is a storybook romance in store for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, as well as for Cruise's ex-wife Nicole Kidman and her new husband, Keith Urban. For some reason (sadism?), we still root for our celebrities to get marriage certificates. The market calculation for the celebrity media is very base -- nothing gooses ratings/readership as does showing us the dress, the cake, the location, the ring. It is the celebrity's job to pretend that there is no worthy market for such gossip and fluff ("I try not to pay attention to all that"), and yet clearly, they are all too aware how it can dramatically affect their paychecks (north or south). An inter-celebrity romance is never only about human companionship. Reese and Ryan were both quoted in recent years as saying marriage is hard work, harder still with fame ruling the house. That came off as pessimism, but were they onto something? Might celebrities be better off if they never married at all?

Here is what my inner-child-of-divorced-parents foresees: Tom and Katie will divorce at some point -- I'll give them three years. I think Madonna and Guy Ritchie will part, perhaps within a year. I think Nicole and Keith's days together are numbered. I think Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn will announce their love at last, marry and divorce, all before the decade's end. Brangelina, too. I think Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan, for all their carefully photographed cavorting on the beaches surrounding the locations where they star in "Lost," will eventually be a lost cause, and publicists will issue statements. The divorce is now as expected as the ring; it's not done until it's over.

The next generation of celebrities, if they want to redirect the harsh glare and know real love, will have to give up on the outdated fantasy of marriage. These new stars will simply date, shack up, coexist and procreate, and bore us to death. They'll have to buy their own crystal vases. They'll have to find happiness without our approval or our longing. The next big megastar won't believe in happy-ever-after.

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