The Starting Lineup

By Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler

Congrats to UCLA's defense, which squelched USC, thereby winning the Battle of Los Angeles and denying the arch-rival Trojans a spot in the BCS title game. Meanwhile, L.A.'s niftiest offensive move of the week was made by whoever managed to fake Britney Spears right out of her drawers. According to reports that we, of course, have only heard about, the former Mrs. Federline has been celebrating her singlehood by traipsing around Hollywood sans undies, thus proving once again that few dames are as classy as Brit. However, some folks have seen fit to mention certain brands of unmentionables in which they'd like to see La Spears invest:

Choice, Tom Glavine: Recounts how, after telling family of return to the Mets, son Peyton "jumped out of his seat with excitement." So if you're scoring at home, that's one Peyton geeked about being in New York, and zero Elis.

Agent Provocateur, Gilbert Arenas: Begins yelling "Hibachi" with every shot. Which seems appropriate, since the Wizards' season is already beginning to feel slightly cooked.

Bravado, Eddie Jordan: Calls the Wizards' road woes "sort of a mystery." We figured it was a murder-mystery, since they keep getting killed, but Arenas insisted that the crime in question was actually robbery.

Rips, Earl Watson: Sonic tells Seattle newspaper that, as result of not starting, "My mental has been polluted." The Sonics' coaching staff was reportedly shocked at how, until Watson made that statement, they had grossly underestimated the amount of pollution in his mental.

Young Attitude, Allen Iverson: Blames no-show at mandatory team event on after-effects of having two abscessed teeth pulled. Or, as Iverson put it, "My dental has been polluted."

Panache, Barbra Streisand: Billboard reports singer set house gross records in 14 of 16 venues she played this year. Apparently, fans are not at all concerned that their Yentl has been polluted.

Uglies, Jamie Heward: Caps defenseman has his face gashed by the skate of Mike Modano. And as gruesome as the injury was, it likely won't be the last time an opposing star slices through the Caps' defense.

B'Ware, John Thompson III: His highly regarded Hoyas lose at Duke and fall to 4-3. Fans immediately began calling the result Early-Season Disappointment the Third.

Players, Jose Guillen: Nats outfielder seems set to join the Mariners, 2,800 miles away from Washington. Guillen argued that Seattle was actually much further away, and asked Nats team officials to re-measure the distance.

Passionata, Alfonso Soriano: Claims that people may see him as owner of monster contract, but "I see a guy who loves the game." Soriano added that now, of course, the game is diamond-studded elephant polo.

Triumph, Ralph Friedgen: Will take his Terps to Orlando for the Champs Sports Bowl. Bowl organizers plan to bill Friedgen as Orlando's Second Space Mountain.

Benched: Ben Wallace's headband, the Jayhawks, everyone and everything associated with the BCS, Tenacious D.