'Victoria's Secret': Starved for Ratings, Too

The bottom has fallen out of "The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show."

An anorexic crowd of 6.8 million tuned in to the undies parade on CBS Tuesday. Besides the shame of finishing well behind "Boston Legal" and a "Law & Order: SVU" rerun in the same time slot, the skivvies show had its smallest-ever audience on broadcast TV.

That's a purge of nearly 30 percent compared with last year's 9 million viewers. And it's a wicked drop compared with the 12.4 million who tuned in when "The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" made its triumphant broadcast debut on ABC, back in '01.

Five years later, the show did its smallest numbers among teens and 18-to-34-year-old guys.

If you can't get 18-to-34-year-old guys to watch an hour of gorgeous young women prancing about in virtually nothing except the occasional million-dollar diamond demi-bra or tartan plaid push-up (yes, there was a "Brigadoon" number), you are doing something seriously wrong.

Among the things they did seriously wrong was to let the models talk.

A lot.

They talked about wanting to make out with Justin Timberlake, this year's musical entertainment. They talked about not wanting to give back the million-dollar diamond bra. They talked about their shoes not being tied properly. They talked about how hard it is to be a model. They spoke of being hungry.

Models, turns out, are best seen and not heard -- like children.

"There's more to 'The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show' than just the catwalk," one such Mensa girl pouted.

"Cameras, interviews, people need you on the set in five minutes -- people always think this is so glamorous," whined another, while some poor slob applied her makeup and another worked on her hair.

Another thing the producers did wrong was put a little "angel cam" on Pretty Blonde No. 11 so we poor lowlife slobs could get a glamorous Victoria's Secret model's-eye view of what it's like to be a glamorous "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" model. But, of course, we want to see Pretty Blonde No. 11, we don't want to see the audience. They're just like us -- oh, except wasn't that Paris Hilton, brushing fake Victoria's Secret snow off her head during the Winter Wonderland in Underwear number?

There was also a fun Victoria's Secret Airways number in which the girls played lingerie-loving flight attendants who'd done their hair and put on their makeup but forgot to put on their clothes before heading to work. So that's how you wear the life jacket!

You'd think at least 10 million people would have showed up to see Timberlake. It was, after all, his first prime-time -- and therefore subject to FCC fines -- CBS song-and-dance routine since his knicker-knotting Super Bowl halftime number.

Grievously, it appeared he had been told, emphatically, not to touch the merchandise this time.

Though he literally had to dodge winged models in thongs during his first number, and during one song dancers performed bump-and-grinds against him, Timberlake did not touch the women.

He did grab his own crotch once or twice -- purely for the sake of his art, of course.