The Zeitgeist Checklist

GRAVE IS THE OPERATIVE WORD Last week: 1 Weeks on list: 24

[No Change]

1. Iraq. The bipartisan Iraq Study Group declares the situation "grave and deteriorating," a finding nearly as surprising as the recent Rick James Study Group report declaring the singer "unresponsive." But the ISG does not recommend immediate troop withdrawals, instead urging talks with Syria and Iran, "national reconciliation" in Iraq and an emergency shipment of magic pixie dust for the entire Middle East.

SIDESHOW BOB Last week: 6 Weeks on list: 2

[Up]

2. Pentagon. Robert Gates, President Bush's new defense secretary, is hailed for his straight talk and is swiftly confirmed after testifying that the United States isn't winning the war in Iraq. The reality-based bar is pretty low these days; the Senate tells Gates that he can also be secretary of state if he'll just admit that the Redskins are having a tough season.

HOUSE OF PAIN Last week: 2 Weeks on list: 11

[Down]

3. Democrats. The incoming House leadership announces the end of the three-day congressional work week. The last Congress produced the biggest corruption scandals since the Teapot Dome working Tuesday to Thursday; just think what they'll achieve on a full-time schedule. But outraged Republicans complain that keeping politicians in Washington five days a week will strain marriages. How about keeping troops in Iraq seven days a week?

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY SANCTIONS FIRST Last week: -- Weeks on list: 1

[Back]

4. Space. Continuing to push the boundaries of human ingenuity, NASA announces that by 2020 it plans to reach . . . the moon! What's next? A pill to prevent women from getting pregnant? Meanwhile, new photos indicate liquid water -- and therefore, possible life -- on Mars. The bipartisan Mars Study Group promptly suggests that minus-257 degree temperatures could make vacationing there "uncomfortable," but urges the Bush administration to hold talks with Mercury and Uranus before making any decisions.

DON'T MAKE A JOKE OR GRANDPA WILL SHOOT Last week: -- Weeks on list: 1

[New]

5. Society. Religious conservatives express outrage at news that Mary Cheney is having a baby out of wedlock, and urge her to get married. What? They didn't urge her to get married? But the Zeitgeist thought they were religious conservatives . . .

THIS BODES ILL FOR JOHN WAYNE GACY EDWARDS Last week: 9 Weeks on list: 5

[Up]

6. 2008. As Hillary Rodham Clinton starts preparing to run for the Democratic presidential nomination, Republicans start pointing out that the full name of her top competitor is Barack Hussein Obama. The Zeitgeist has a feeling that even if his name were Barack Hussein Hitler Stalin Milosevic Satan Osama, Republicans would still prefer to face Hillary in the general election.