It's Time To Talk

Whatever the situation, experts say it's important to keep the dialogue rational and money-focused. Financial experts recommend that adult children have their own house in order before they start poking into their parents' accounts.

All siblings should participate in the conversation and be on the same page about the strategy. And the approach should be inclusive, by talking about how "we" can sort out the financial issues.

From there, it all depends on the individual situation. Early on, determine whether there is a will, define power of attorney for any financial or legal documents, and set up advance medical directives that spell out the circumstances in which a parent would want to die.

Those topics can often be harder for the younger generation than their parents.

"What's lurking in the background of these conversations is, 'Someday my mom and dad are going to be old and frail, and they're going to die,' " said Brian Carpenter, an assistant professor of psychology at Washington University in St. Louis who studies what middle-aged children know about their parents. "It can be a challenge talking about that with a person who used to tuck you in bed at night."

A Third Party Can Help

Aging parents often don't want to feel they are burdening others and may find it tough to accept the notion that they won't always be able to take care of themselves. In some cases, financial planners say, parents will refuse to come to appointments or let their children look into their savings.

"Usually what's going on is the parents are having a hard time coming to terms with their aging," said Elissa Buie, a financial planner in Falls Church. "They need to realize that this child is the first line of defense."

If parents or other family members resist having a conversation about long-term finances, financial experts say, it may help to have a third party such as a lawyer or financial planner participate.

"What I often say is, 'Use me as an excuse,' " said Steven Wertime, a financial planner with Wertime Financial Services in Falls Church. "I can defuse the emotional issue."

Wertime did that two years ago with Judy Henderson and her mother, Ruth Jackson, who had just moved to Northern Virginia after spending many years living in California. Henderson wanted Wertime to look at her mother's assets to determine whether she could afford to live at Goodwin House, a retirement community in Baileys Crossroads.

One looming question was her mother's insistence on sending a hefty cash gift to each of her children every year. It was something Henderson had unsuccessfully cautioned her mother about in the past.

At the first financial planning session with Henderson and her mother, Wertime casually mentioned that one of his first rules was no gifts to family members. Problem solved.

When Plans Go Awry

While financial planners say the conversation should take place before a crisis hits, sometimes events force a family's hand.

That's what happened when Terri Sutton's mother, Lee Bonenberger, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 2001, at 59. Bonenberger's husband was self-employed, and they had always assumed her work retirement plan would cover both of them.

But with added medical expenses and her mother not yet eligible for Medicare, the family was quickly thrown into a tailspin. Sutton's father, William Bonenberger, said he was at first in denial about his wife's disease. Sutton was familiar with her parents' finances from having done their taxes in the past, but she had no idea how to shift around their assets and secure the disability payments to which her mother was entitled.

The family asked Eric Hess, a McLean financial planner, to reorganize investments and set up revocable trusts that put assets in William Bonenberger's and Sutton's names. While her family had always been close, Sutton, 43, had to make it clear to her mother -- always the family breadwinner -- that she had to give up control of everything.

"The best thing was her acceptance," Sutton said, "her desire to make life easy for her family, and that was a gift."