Three Wise Men and One Dope
Gene writes a Christmas pageant

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, December 24, 2006

Dear Gene: I have been in Seoul, Republic of Korea, for three days. I am here teaching English to 6-year-olds and have just been informed that I must write a short Christmas play for eight students. I must confess that I am a heathen and know little of this Christmas spirit. Can you help? There must be exactly eight roles.

-- Onno Savage

"The Seoul of Christmas"

A Play in One Act

Cast: Mary, Joseph, First Wise Man, Second Wise Man, Third Wise Man, Little Drummer Boy, a Lamb and Frankenstein's Monster.

Scene opens in a manger.

Mary: We have a baby boy!

Joseph: What shall we name him?

Little Drummer Boy: How about Park Kim Lee Ji-Soo?

Mary: That is a fine name. We'll just call him Ji-Soo.

First Wise Man: Here is some gold, Baby Ji-Soo.

Second Wise Man: What are you, crazy? Who gives gold to a baby?

First Wise Man: Well, what did YOU bring, wise guy?

Second Wise Man: Myrrh.

First Wise Man: What is that?

Second Wise Man: It is an aromatic resin often burned at funerals to hide the smell of rotting corpses.

First Wise Man: Oh, that's a LOT better.

Third Wise Man: Well, I brought this.

(Third Wise Man goes behind a tree, emerges with Frankenstein's Monster. Sound of crying from the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: You idiot. It was supposed to be frankincense. Take that thing away.

(Third Wise Man exits with the monster. Baby quiets down.)

Little Drummer Boy: Behold, there is a giant light in the sky!

(All the other characters immediately dive for cover.)

Little Drummer Boy: No, it's okay. We're not being nuked by Kim Jong Il. It's just a very bright star.

(Everyone gets up.)

Lamb: It is proclaiming the birth of a newborn king. Joy to the world!

Everyone: Joy to the world!

First Wise Man: (to Second Wise Man) Did you know lambs can talk?

Second Wise Man: No, but if you hum a few baas I can fake it.

(Little Drummer Boy plays a rimshot.)

(Third Wise Man returns.)

Third Wise Man: So why are we here, again?

First Wise Man: To adore the baby.

(Three Wise Men gather around the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: He's definitely adorable.

First Wise Man: Yep.

Third Wise Man: He looks just like Winston Churchill.

(All the other characters stare at Third Wise Man.)

First Wise Man: Let's hope he grows up strong and wise and just.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Second Wise Man: And filled with peace and goodwill for mankind.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Third Wise Man: With a really forgiving sense of humor.

Everyone: (loudly) AMEN!

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.