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Week 694: Hopelessly Ever After

CATHY ON MARS (Martin Bancroft, Rochester)
CATHY ON MARS (Martin Bancroft, Rochester) (Illustration By Bob Staake For The Washington Post)

Still extremely short and no less annoying, a middle-aged Dennis the Menace earns the stinging wrath of his home town when he buys the local football team and runs it straight into the ground. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

Russian Military Lab:

Dilbert: How do I get rid of this leftover polonium?

Walski: I throw mine into the fish tank at that sushi restaurant. (Martin Bancroft)

"The Family Circus": With an irrational fear that dead relatives are always watching her, 29-year-old Dolly Keane remains a virgin. (Kevin Dopart)

"For Better or for Worse": Through five panels, Mom patiently gets the kids dressed for playing in the snow, struggling with snowsuits, boots, hats, mittens -- and of course one has to go to the bathroom, so she has to dress them all over again. Then in the last panel, they stand on the porch before the freshly fallen snow and stare at the mushroom cloud forming over the nearby city. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Baghdad, circa 820:

Frank: I hear that Al-Khwarizmi the mathematician is using zeros!

Ernest: Yes, aught-ism runs in his family! (Peter Metrinko)

Garfield grows so fat that he takes up the whole panel, not allowing any other characters or even dialogue to appear. This is generally seen as an improvement. (Art Grinath)

"Peanuts": The Washington Nationals hire Charlie Brown, 65, as general manager, stating: "He's worked with teams composed of nothing more than a bunch of no-talent kids, a dog and a whining girl -- which makes him perfect for us." (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Zippy moves to 1950s France to become a playwright but is lambasted by critics as "too accessible . . . a simplistic sellout to the masses." He tries to atone by writing a two-person "Oresteia" for Jerry Lewis and a rhinoceros, but by then his reputation is in tatters, and all is lost. In a final kiss-off protest, he bathes. (Brendan Beary)

Next Week: Haven't Got a Clue, or Just Try to Cross Us


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