Aquarius: After a Vacation, You Can Follow the Stars in a Whole New Light

Over many years, my daily horoscope has provided guidance, practical advice, and even solace. But a short time ago, a simple human error destroyed the precise synchrony of the stars and skewed my entire life perspective.

It all began with my failing to stop the newspaper delivery when we were gone for a week -- a week spent exploring a primitive culture that was both TV-less and connectivity-deprived. The result was seven newspapers to be read upon return. The last horoscope I had read told me in no uncertain terms to "concentrate on bringing order into your daily affairs." So I began dutifully reading the accumulated newspapers in chronological order -- starting with the previous Sunday. This seemed quite logical at the time.

However, the newspaper publisher and his delivery boy can work just as fast as I can. I gained ground the first couple of days, forcing myself to skim much of the fascinating trivia of mankind's daily struggle with chaos, but I soon lapsed back into the one-a-day newspaper-reading habit.

And, truth to tell, there is a certain secret pleasure in being several days behind the news. It provides a new sense of proportion -- something of a godlike perspective on news and events.

The crisis of last Tuesday, when read on a Friday, assumes an entirely different dimension. I can adopt a mode of calm detachment. Whatever the disaster, triumph or scandal -- it has already been resolved, topped or forgotten by the day I read about it. As I look for the follow-up articles, I have a feeling of Olympian superiority -- even if accompanied by a bit of psychic discomfort in living, as it were, in two separate time zones.

But the biggest payoff for time-delay reading of the newspaper is in the amazing contents of the daily horoscope.

I found in Monday's edition, for example, "You can dazzle influential individuals with your creative talents. Don't be afraid to do so." Reading this paper on Thursday, however, I know that precious little dazzling had been done over the past few days, but there were, after all, three unread newspapers awaiting, and who knows what wonders of dazzlement they might contain.

Unfortunately, however, the very next day's reading brought "Be careful about making changes." Four days earlier I'd been given only one day to scintillate -- which was probably all that I could handle anyway without a nap. And by the day after that, dazzlement was entirely out of the picture, replaced by a nagging urgency in a call to frugality: "Attend to financial affairs. Finances are strained. Design a budget that brings spending under control."

So I queried the spousal treasurer as to family finances. "Stop at the bank and cash a check, dear" was the response. "And don't forget your shirts when you pick up the dry cleaning." It is safe to assume from this that family finances are solidly under control. In our house, prosperity is celebrated by sending the shirts out.

So the horoscope writer obviously has somebody else in mind -- or did so, anyway, last Monday. And it's too late to worry about it now.