Starting Lineup

We trust that most of you are not, in fact, reading this on Monday morning, but are shaking off the cobwebs with that classic New Year's Day elixir: bowl games. That's certainly what George Lucas is doing, as he has the honor of leading the Rose Bowl parade to commemorate the 30th anniversary of "Star Wars." And we know some folks who'll be closely scrutinizing that event to see if their favorite Star Wars characters are marching along with Lucas:

Anakin Skywalker, Tiger Woods: Announces that his wife is pregnant and that he "always wanted to be a dad." According to friends, Tiger just has one big fear: that his kid will turn out to be a lefty.

Admiral Piett, Tony Barone: Grizzlies interim coach says invoking name of Nets' Lawrence Frank, who began his career with 13 straight wins, would be "heresy." Barone added, "To me, Frank is God."

Lando Calrissian, Michael Jordan: Getting divorce from wife Juanita. Jordan acknowledged he knew the marriage was in trouble when Juanita said they needed to talk -- in Abe Pollin's office.

Luke Skywalker, Eli Manning: Somehow leads the Giants into the playoffs. Which, appropriately, means his season is still incomplete.

Jar Jar Binks, Joe Gibbs: Ever the optimist, he says the thing that impressed him most Saturday night was the size of the home crowd. Well, that and Mark Brunell's splendid two-play performance.

Dr. Evazan, the Caps: Club continues to flail, as the locker room is ravaged by a stomach illness. Gibbs admitted he's no hockey expert, but he did praise the Caps for pouring their guts out.

R2-D2, Tiki Barber: Retiring Giants star runs wild in his final regular season game, torching the Redskins for 234 yards. While some NFL insiders took this as a sign that Tiki could return for another year, Gibbs noted that sometimes it's better to stick with retirement.

Darth Maul, Donald Brashear: Caps' enforcer gets in two separate fights and then punches a third opponent in the face during a loss to the Rangers. Not willing to let the situation escalate any further, David Stern immediately handed down a 437-game suspension.

Greedo, Adam Archuleta: Completes his first season in Washington as one of the biggest busts in Redskins history. His girlfriend, former Playboy model Jennifer Walcott, assured Archuleta that there's nothing wrong with a big bust.

General Grievous, Rino Foschi: Italian soccer GM receives severed head of goat as Christmas gift. Next year he plans to ask for "The Big Book of Italian Stereotypes."

Stormtroopers, the Midshipmen: Lose Meineke Car Care Bowl to Boston College after backup kicker nails last-second field goal. Officials at the Naval Academy were reportedly shocked to see such firepower from a sub.

Wedge Antilles, Josh Wilson: Terp relieved at team's win in Champs Sports Bowl because finishing regular season with two losses was "hard to swallow." Ralph Friedgen expressed puzzlement that something could be hard to swallow.

Benched: Chris Paul, the Hokies, the Burgundy and Gold, strength-of-victory tiebreakers, "Auld Lang Syne."