ASK AMY

Dear Amy:

Our son, 22, is engaged to a woman; they have had a rather tumultuous relationship over the past two years. They often argue, and when they do she has been physically abusive, actually hitting our son in the chest. She has followed him in parking lots and placed her hands on the top of an open car window, refusing to let go so she could continue arguing.

He must account to her for all of his time. She calls him constantly. If he doesn't respond promptly to her phone messages, he must give a detailed account of why not.

They have resolved to improve the relationship and have become engaged. This week, she set the date for only three months away.

We think he would like to insist that things slow down but knows another confrontation would ensue. He seems to be disappearing into a "whatever she wants" mind-set. He is not a fighter and would rather avoid conflict. We see this relationship as a minefield of future problems.

We have had a conversation with him expressing concern. We have told him that we will support his decision and welcome her into our family, if that is his choice. Both parties should be comfortable going into a marriage, and we don't think he is.

Worried Mom

If your son were a daughter who was locked into an abusive relationship, you would fear for her safety. I appreciate your measured attitude, but you should be more alarmed.

There is a chance that this volatile relationship could work itself out, but as it stands, your son is "disappearing" into a relationship that doesn't allow him to be his own best self. It is time to point out to your son that his fiancee is demonstrating many of the classic signs of an abuser. She has hit him; she demands to know his whereabouts every second; she is volatile, demanding and may be attempting to isolate him from his support system.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a staff of counselors who could provide some recommendations. Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit http://www.ndvh.org.

Dear Amy: