Baa Relief

Dear Miss Manners:

We have received a gift from friends that was actually a gift of a goat to a family in need of sustenance in another country. I was perplexed as to how to word the thank-you note.

"Thank you for thinking of us and others" seemed insufficient, but I struggled to come up with a second sentence. Since this situation may reoccur, I would appreciate knowing the appropriate way to express our thanks.

Miss Manners just about had your letter of thanks written for you:

"We are thrilled with the delightful goat you so kindly gave us. What a merry and playful fellow he is. But we were moved to discover that he also has his serious side, and is as committed to recycling as we are. Perhaps even more so, if you can imagine that. Last summer, when we grumbled about our rickety lawn mower, we little imagined that you were exercising your thoughtful ingenuity on our lawn problem. Only you could have come up with such a charming solution -- "

But wait. You haven't actually got the goat. It went to a more deserving family.

Miss Manners has no doubt that this is for the best all around (for you, the recipient and for your neighbors) but the fact remains that your friends did not give you a present. They got a twofer out of their philanthropy by merging their gift list with their charity list.

So your first sentence of thanks strikes her as perfectly adequate. The second sentence should express your hope that the recipients' lives will be made easier because of your friends' donation. You probably didn't want your own goat, anyway.

Dear Miss Manners:

My sister's husband is on the board of trustees of a local charitable organization. It is a first-rate operation and serves a worthy cause. I am upset, however, with how my brother-in-law solicits me for contributions.

I am a high school teacher, currently paying college and university tuitions for three people. Nonetheless, I donate somewhere around 8 to 10 percent of my income to charitable causes of my choosing.

My brother-in-law, who lives next door, has brought up the issue of my making a capital gift to his organization more than once in social settings in which I find it is impossible to get him to drop the subject. On Christmas Eve, he handed everyone envelopes stating a contribution had been made in our name to his charity. My envelope included a brochure and a pledge envelope.

I find this social aggression extraordinarily uncomfortable, and, as worthy as his cause is, I am progressively more disinclined to donate to his charity. He has certainly not been responsive to my polite demurring and attempts to change the subject. I have asked my sister to give him a clue to back off, but that has not worked either. Do you have any suggestions how to handle this problem in the future?

Yes: Try not changing the subject. You need to tell your brother-in-law plainly, but of course politely, what you have told Miss Manners: that you give what you can to charity and will not be contributing to his.

But there are two more things he needs to be told. One is that you do not discuss your personal finances, even with members of the family. And the other is that, in fact, you have already given to his cause, as he has kindly made that your Christmas present, for which you must thank him.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2007Judith Martin