Chakra And Awe

More Negative Energy

2:45 to 3 p.m.: Psychic reading in Bethesda, $50

The reading: This one is at the psychic's home, which, of course, is the creepy tree-shrouded house on the street that the kids probably give a wide berth on Halloween. Seated at a table in a sparsely furnished room, the medium asks me to hold my keys, puts a hand over mine, and we close our eyes and concentrate.

She senses negative energy and wonders about my family. What kind of prescription drugs do they take? Who cares? Does anyone have a drinking problem? Not really. We like wine with dinner? She tells me she's seeing bottles and wonders if it's because I enjoy fine wine at dinner. Is there an echo in here? Did I want to escape my house when I was 16 or 17? Doesn't everyone?

She tells me I'm struggling right now and asks if I've been sleeping well, if I meditate, if I have headaches. Sure. No. Sometimes. We're done in 15 minutes.

Diagnosis: One of my chakras is out of balance.

Spiritual fix: She'll meditate and pray with crystals (which are said to help balance chakras, assist in the healing process and amplify the psychic's energies) starting at midnight that night through 11 a.m. the next morning. Riiight. After a few follow-up sessions, I should be back on track. $200 ($10 for 20 crystals).

Back to the Love Life

3:45 to 4:30 p.m.: Tarot card (full deck) and aura readings in Georgetown, $50

The reading: In a small, dim room lined with miniature statues of the Virgin Mary, I'm back to tarot cards. The psychic notes that I have some psychic ability. Strangely, I've heard this before. Have I pursued psychology yet? No, but I think about it sometimes. Am I a vegetarian yet? Okay, weird. I stopped eating meat last year. I've been close to death before. Uhhh, nope.

My love life's chaotic, and I haven't healed from a broken heart. Wait a minute, haven't I heard this before? Like two psychics ago? Her predictions: I'll marry an older man from New York or Boston with the letter "J" in his name, at 42 I'll have twins (possibly because of fertility treatments), and I'll live a long life. Ah, every little girl's dream: in vitro and a sugar daddy.

I'll never get divorced, possibly because I'm prone to beating dead horses in bad relationships. Guilty. She reads my aura. It's dark -- eggplant where it should be amethyst, burgundy instead of red.

Diagnosis: I'm stuck. I pluck negative energy out of the ether, and somewhere along the way, the door to my heart was closed, and she wants to help open it.

Spiritual fix: She'll pray and meditate with healing crystals for a few days and then transfer these energy-boosting responsibilities to me so my heart's door will remain open and I can unbridle my positive mojo. $500.