Chakra And Awe

Why Am I Here?

6:30 to 8:15 p.m.: Tarot card and psychic reading in Falls Church, $150

The reading: Sitting third eye to third eye with psychic No. 4, she tells me my energy is bad and I am sad -- both bad juju for the crystal reading I had asked for. So she recommends a tarot-psychic reading combo.

There's a tall, thin man around me. Someone in my life? Nope. Maybe a spirit? There's a break in the action while my psychic takes a phone call. She deals a few cards. I have hope, but I'm stuck. So I've heard. Am I religious? No. Hearing this, she unleashes a religious diatribe to convert me to Christianity. This is interrupted by another phone call.

More cards. She's confused about my love life. Join the club. Have I had my heart broken? Yes, along with the majority of the population older than 18. I always date the same kind of guy? That's what they say. Another call.

Then she asks about my meditation, sleep and headache patterns, and wonders about my diet. Do I even want help? She wonders about my intentions -- why am I there? Busted! I keep mum, though, not wanting to blow my cover.

Diagnosis: I'm a spiritual black hole.

Spiritual fix: She offers to use crystals to chart my spiritual road map and life purpose so that I can reach my full potential. This includes meditating and praying at an undisclosed location for a few days. $800. (Apparently she has phone bills to pay.)

Things Are Looking Up

9:00 to 9:04 p.m.: Palm reading (one palm) in Adams Morgan, $15

The reading: I've just about had it with the dark-and-twisty-soul routine and revel in this lighthearted psychic who reads my palm, cigarette dangling from her lips and Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" trilling in the background.

My lifeline is long -- curving around to the front of my hand -- and I will live into my 80s, maybe 90s. So it's been told. There are no breaks in the lifeline, which indicates good health. She asks if I've been thinking about going back to school because she sees research and books. Higher education crosses my mind from time to time. And I remember later that I'm working on a book proposal. Duh.

I'm frustrated in my job but will have a successful career. No, but okay! I'll have one marriage ("That's a good thing -- all you hear about is divorce these days," she says.) There have been trials and tribulations in my past, but happiness in the future, including some good luck toward the end of the new year. Sweet!

Diagnosis: None!