Pride and Prejudice, Lifetime Channel-Style

'Gay, Straight or Taken?'

Remarks we doubt ever got remarked during planning sessions in the offices of reality show producers:

"We can't do that, it's too stupid."

"By all means, let's stay within the bounds of good taste."

"But -- no network would ever air a piece of trash like that."

In a kinder and gentler world, such sentiments would be used to shoot down the most egregious ideas for new shows. But we don't live there, we live here, and so it is that Lifetime tonight at 8 unveils "Gay, Straight or Taken?" -- a reality game show that's even more cringe-inducing than it sounds and less entertaining than a bowl of oyster stew.

Are you ready for this? Believe me, you don't want to be. "This" is, as the title suggests, a game in which a young woman must pick a dream date from among a trio of young men -- one of them homosexual, one involved in a heterosexual relationship (not necessarily marriage) and the third an available piece of meat. If the woman picks the third alternative, off the two of them go on a free vacation.

If she picks the gay guy, he gets the prize with the partner of his choice; it's the same for the "taken" lad. But wait a minute. On the premiere, we learn early on that the gay man has a steady boyfriend -- so doesn't that make him "taken," too? Why should "gay" and "taken" be considered separate and distinct? Is it, perhaps, because the producers assume all gay men are too promiscuous for lasting relationships?

So much for the comments of one executive producer that "this show really turns stereotypes on its head."

The TV landscape is already full of vulgar, lame-brained dating shows, of course. But most of them at least look as though they took more production time than Lifetime's loser. From the appearance of it, the whole thing was taped in one afternoon in the back yard of the Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles.

Then there's the "reality" ruse. Jenner, the 27-year-old contestant, "works in real estate," we are told. The three men -- Luciano, 32, Mike, 35, and Chris, 34 -- have such nebulous jobs as "club promoter." It's pitifully obvious: This is L.A., and just as waiters are never merely waiters, so all these people look like part-time aspiring actors. With good jobs hard to find, they take on hideous gigs like this one.

"I feel like I'm at Toys R Us," gushes the bubbly Jenner as the game begins. Soon the handsome, plastic hunks are parading their pecs around. How to tell gay from straight? Jenner plays a touch football game, asks for a massage, does some yoga exercises, takes a dance lesson and -- get this -- ransacks their cars, in a page borrowed from one of the umpteen dating shows on MTV.

Actually, "Gay, Straight or Taken?" plays like a series that MTV might have aired seven or eight trends ago -- only it would have been better made.

Since whoever's gay is careful not to "act" gay, whatever that means these days, Jenner's search for clues seems particularly absurd. Does she expect that a gay man, asked to give her a massage, will fling his arms into the air and run off in horror? Naturally, as the rules of the format insist, the show is punctuated with remarks of Jenner and the contestants taped afterward as they look back and try to dramatize various moments on the show.

The air is thick with the odor of faked spontaneity. Many of the impromptu remarks sound rehearsed and manipulated. A huge scandal and the intervention of Congress ended the big quiz show fad of the 1950s, when viewers learned that seeming geniuses were fed answers in advance. It's doubtful anyone will demand an investigation of these asinine reality game shows, but an awful lot of this "unscripted" programming looks very scripted indeed.

Perhaps the first question to be asked of such productions: "Is it worse than worthless?" Worthlessness in such cases is pretty much a given, a starting point. Have the producers managed to go beyond that into the aggressively idiotic? In the case of "Gay, Straight or Taken?" the answer is a depressing "yes."

To Be Fat Like Me (two hours) airs tonight at 9 on Lifetime.

Gay, Straight or Taken? (30 minutes) debuts tonight at 8 on Lifetime.