By Lisa de Moraes
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, January 17, 2007; C01

Early audition episodes on "American Idol" are the torture camp of show business.

We feel really bad about it.

But we like to watch.

Judges Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are back with their bag of ego deflators. Only this time, Jackson is the bad cop, Simon is the good cop, and Abdul appears to be all sober and normal and obeying the Geneva Conventions. What fun is that?

Singing star/poet Jewel is guest-judging; she's sitting next to Jackson, who told the press a few days ago he thinks the guest judges are hooey and shouldn't be mixing it up with the three regulars.

The judges jump right in, bringing "Idol" wannabe Jessica Rhode to tears.

"I don't want to patronize you but it's never gonna work for you, darling," Simon sneers.

"I'm sorry but we're trying to find the best, and that was so far away from it."

"Oh my God!" Rhode wails.

"No way. Please no, please!" she begs.

"The good news is today you found out you're not going to be [a singer] so you can just -- move on," Simon says therapeutically while she weeps.

Rhode seeks comfort from her family outside. "I really thought I had it. I thought I was ready. They said I'm not even a good singer," she sobs.

Mr. Urban Amish, Troy Benham, follows. He's never seen "American Idol," does not own a "broadcast television setup in my home."

He sings them a song that involves spit dripping into someone's face. And roaches. We're not familiar with that tune.

The judges begin to lacerate him; he puts up a good fight.

"I didn't say I was great. I didn't say I was the best and I certainly didn't say I was the next American Idol," Benham says.

Next, Jesse Holloway walks out midway through his audition, saying he's "real nervous right now." He takes a drink and returns.

"Why did you come back into the room?" Simon asks. "When you left, for once we were on the same page."

Outside the audtion room, Jesse unloads, saying Randy "needs to wipe off the damned makeup he's got on his face."

Which is funny, because we were thinking that Randy was looking much prettier this season for reasons we could not explain. Thank you, Jesse Holloway, for providing answers.

"When was the last time Paula made a record?" Holloway continues, now on a roll. "They can kiss my [heinie]. They need to be fired because they don't know what they're talking about."

Charles Moody auditions next -- dressed in stars-and-stripes bathrobe, top hat and boxing gloves. He's going to "knock out this performance." Singing opera.

Moody unnerves the judges.

"I don't know what I'm doing on this show anymore," Simon says. "The fact we're taking this seriously is disturbing. . . . We're acting like it's normal."

Cue up treacly sympathy music:

"My life wasn't easy, my mom struggles with drug addiction. I guess she can't help it," 16-year-old Denise Jackson confides to the "Idol" camera. "I was born as a crack baby. . . . They were going to send me to a foster home. My grandmother came and rescued me. . . . There is nothing wrong with me; I was actually born with a gift."

The judges are given notes on each auditioner; they're not gonna mess with Denise. She sails through to Hollywood.

"I'm the first person in my family who made something of himself!" she shouts jubilantly.

Trista Giese does a Bert Lahr-as-Cowardly-Lion impression from "The Wizard of Oz." Wrong show. Wrong century.

The appearance of Stephen Horst, alleged singing teacher, sets off the major role reversal of the evening. Randy really goes off on Horst, saying his students should all demand their money back.

"Randy -- enough!" Simon barks as Randy gets more and more in Horst's face, adding later, "Did you get abused by a vocal coach in some former life?"

Two auditions invoked the "American Idol" Military Immunity Clause -- show up in uniform and you're guaranteed to be sent to the next round.

Jarrod Fowler is a 27-year-old intelligence specialist on the USS Ronald Reagan. Fowler says he won the "Reagan Idol" competition on the Reagan. Fowler says it brings him a sense of pride knowing he represents all "these people who are actually defending our freedom."

"I think people will like you," Simon coos. The other judges meekly follow suit.

"This is for the Reagan," Fowler says outside the audition room.

Rachel Jackson meanwhile, works in Dad's body shop and her husband is in Baghdad now. She joined the Army Reserve.

"You guys are sooooo cute!" she tells the judges. Her song starts okay, but she inadvertently switches keys at least once.

Even so, her fatigues camouflage her lack of talent. Simon notes she started off well and "fell apart" toward the end. Which under other conditions would be the lead-in line to getting the hook. But instead he says while she was "not one of the best," "I think people would like you." The other judges agree glassy-eyed, and Jackson, too, is on her way to Hollywood.