Laugh, and Get to Work

By Jennifer Huget
Special to The Washington Post
Tuesday, January 23, 2007

So, you think you're stressed? Get a load of this dream I had last week.

In my waking hours, I thought I was getting along just fine, despite an abnormally heavy workload (lots of assignments -- including this article -- due at once) and the daily travails of a work-at-home mother of two.

But I knew it was time to reassess when I woke, panting, from a nightmare in which:

· Out-of-town guests appeared unexpectedly in my home and needed a ride to the airport.

· Only I couldn't remember where the airport was.

· Nor could I find my purse.

· So I couldn't drive my car (no purse, no keys).

· And when I set out on foot to find the airport, I found it was raining baby frogs, which got caught in my hair and everywhere else.

The following morning, after shaking off those baby frogs, I followed two of my therapist's most enduringly useful tips. First, I smiled big and said, out loud, "Hello, anxiety!" Confronting my stress on friendly terms makes it less ominous, says my doctor, psychologist Joe Brown, who practices in the Hartford, Conn., area. Plus, the ritual is so goofy it takes the edge off.

Next, I made myself sit right down and get to work. Because, Dr. Brown helped me discover, procrastination is a huge source of my stress -- and stress-related behaviors such as cramming mini marshmallows into my maw by the fistful.

I'm feeling much better now, in part because most of that stress-inducing pressure to produce is behind me. Most of the work's done -- except this story. But while I initially viewed the piece as part of the problem, in fact it ended up helping me place my stress-reduction strategies in context.

In speaking with two stress-management gurus, I learned that there are three basic ways in which people try to beat back anxiety. They:

· mask it in ways that may ultimately be destructive (through use of illicit drugs or overuse of alcohol, smoking or overeating);

· distract themselves from it in ways (such as exercise or even prescription anti-anxiety drugs) that, while perhaps health-promoting in themselves, do little to fix the underlying stress-inducing problem;

· make some changes that actually tackle the stress problem at its root.

Though countless people resort to taking drugs, getting drunk, lighting up or pigging out to relieve their stress, you'd be hard-pressed to find an expert who supports covering up anxiety in these ways. Most therapists suggest a combination approach: figure out exactly what's causing you stress, change what can be changed, and devise a plan for coping with the inevitable remainder.

Jerilyn Ross, president and chief executive of the Ross Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, located in the District, has been treating stressed-out people for a quarter of a century. Ross says a lot of stress derives from trying to meet expectations, real and imagined, external and self-imposed. The stress of managing all those expectations has been compounded in recent years by the difficulty of taking a real break from those pressures. Even on vacation, she notes, we take along our BlackBerrys and our laptops so that those who wish to impose their expectations on us can reach us at the beach.

Instead of blindly accepting all those expectations, Ross suggests taking a hard look at them to determine whether any can be scrapped. "Ask yourself, 'Who are you really doing it for?' " Ross advises. "If you're volunteering in school, serving as a Cub Scout leader and coaching the sports team and you're feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself, 'Am I doing this for my child? Am I really enjoying it?' " If so, she says, carry on. But if you're doing those things to prove to others -- or to yourself -- what a great, involved parent you are, then maybe you can ditch some of those activities.

Of course, not all stressful expectations are easily ditched: caring for an ailing parent or sick child, keeping up with the mortgage and navigating the ups and downs of a marriage are realities that must be dealt with. That's when you need some reliable stress-management strategies.

Harvey Oaklander, a licensed clinical psychologist and principal of the Center for Stress Management in Arlington and Fairfax, recommends confronting stressors you can't eliminate, acknowledging their sources and working to achieve a healthier balance in your life. "It's okay to be ambitious and to work hard," he says. "But sometimes the balance between internal focus and external focus gets lost." Adopting a self-interested (as opposed to selfish) stance can help you determine which of your activities and commitments are really important to you, he says; pruning away those that are less important should result in less stress.

How to do this?

Ross suggests starting with a stress-management diary. "Note when you feel stressed. Where do you feel it? In your stomach? Your head? Note the time of day and the circumstance. Look at stress patterns." When you've got a sense of when and how your stress kicks in, ask yourself, 'What can I do to alleviate it?' Find something you like. Look at things that are easily accessible to you. Try a few different things and look at how you feel afterward."

What activities work best? "Anything that makes us get away from our thoughts of what we're doing all the time," Ross suggests. Ross's personal favorite? "I sit down at the piano." For others, she says, "meditation is wonderful. Dance, music. Clubs, hobbies, musical instruments. Sudoku puzzles. You're using your mind, but [the activity is] mindless in terms of everything else in your life -- unless it becomes a competition."

With stress-reduction tools, as with all things in life, moderation is key. If you find a cocktail relaxing at the end of a long day, that's fine, says Ross. "But two or three? Not so fine. You'll just get depressed," she says.

You can even overdo physical exercise. "A lot of people find if they do some exercise, they feel good, so they figure if they do more, they'll feel better. They end up working out two hours a day -- and stressing out over it," Ross notes.

Oaklander cautions against over-reliance on temporary fixes, whether alcohol or something else. People who turn to food for stress relief, for instance, "are comforting themselves with eating, not looking at themselves, not taking time out to think about what feels good in the long term versus the immediate gratification of eating," he says.

Even exercise and relaxation techniques, by themselves, "don't really solve the problem," he says. "Exercise is great temporarily, but doesn't get rid of the stress. Exercise addicts siphon off the feeling of being tense, which makes them feel euphoric. But after it wears off, if they haven't faced the stress, it's going to continue."

But don't ditch that treadmill. Oaklander says that working out has its place in his anti-stress prescription, which starts with staring the sources of your stress in the eye and taking active steps to minimize or eliminate them. Then he recommends what he calls "self-gardening techniques": getting enough rest, eating healthfully and, yes, getting some exercise. (Ross adds to the list: watch your caffeine intake, which can affect your anxiety level, and slow down on sugar, which can make you lethargic and less able to meet daily challenges.) "It's a matter of taking time out every day, to do nothing, if necessary," Oaklander says. "Just finding withdrawal time every day. You find balance that way."

For many, finding time for stress release might feel like just one more big expectation. Women, in particular, feel guilty about doing anything for themselves, Ross says. "The fact is that if people take time to build in stress-relieving activities, they'll be more productive at work, more loving at home." So, Ross insists, "give yourself permission" to take time to do whatever you need to do to feel better. "You have to schedule it like anything else. And don't just pencil it in -- pen it in. Make an appointment."

For quick stress-reduction at work, Ross suggests that you "build in a 10-minute walk. And if you can't build in a 10-minute walk, you should find a new job." ·

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