Week 699: Our Greatest Hit
Guiltar: a musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
It still hasn't stopped: With mystifying regularity, we continue to receive (often passed through several mailboxes at The Post) unsolicited entries to what's sometimes called the "Mensa Invitational," and most recently "Change a Letter, Change a Lot": The results of Week 271 have continued to orbit in cyberspace for almost 10 years, picking up forwarders' own efforts along the way. We hope these lost souls find us this week. This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with E, F, G or H; add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two letters; and define the new word, as in the examples above, which got ink in 1998 and 2003.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy (see exception below). First runner-up receives an assortment of Breath Palette toothpaste, little but pricey tubes -- $4.49 for 0.63 ounces! -- that look like art supplies and come in such varieties as No. 27, Freshness Yogurt, and No. 31, Cola.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 5. Put "Week 699" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.
Report From Week 695,
our annual contest seeking "poems" about notables who died in the previous year: Many contributors noted that James Brown has a Brand New Box, and wondering if "Yogi Bear" animator Joe Barbera was buried in a pic-a-nic basket.
4 Jack Wild:
Jack was wild and banging booze
And puffin' stuff to sap his breath,
Which he pooh-poohed till he found
There is no artful dodge of death.
(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
3 Slobodan Milosevic
Died, the foul sonuvebic.
(Ira Allen, Bethesda)
2 The winner of 'Zig Ziglar's Favorite Quotations':
Apartheid rule is not a way
To gather healthy karma.
I bet that Mr. Botha may
Be heading someplace warma.
(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
And the winner of The Inker:
Robert E. Rich, creator of Coffee Rich:
When Robert E. Rich made a creamer from soy,
Many people thought, what could be gaucher?
But now Jews can drink coffee with tenderloin -- oy,
What a joy when a goy keeps you kosher!
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
When I learned that June had passed,
I lowered my Depends half-mast.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)