Week 699: Our Greatest Hit

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Guiltar: a musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

It still hasn't stopped: With mystifying regularity, we continue to receive (often passed through several mailboxes at The Post) unsolicited entries to what's sometimes called the "Mensa Invitational," and most recently "Change a Letter, Change a Lot": The results of Week 271 have continued to orbit in cyberspace for almost 10 years, picking up forwarders' own efforts along the way. We hope these lost souls find us this week. This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with E, F, G or H; add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two letters; and define the new word, as in the examples above, which got ink in 1998 and 2003.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy (see exception below). First runner-up receives an assortment of Breath Palette toothpaste, little but pricey tubes -- $4.49 for 0.63 ounces! -- that look like art supplies and come in such varieties as No. 27, Freshness Yogurt, and No. 31, Cola.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 5. Put "Week 699" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report From Week 695,

our annual contest seeking "poems" about notables who died in the previous year: Many contributors noted that James Brown has a Brand New Box, and wondering if "Yogi Bear" animator Joe Barbera was buried in a pic-a-nic basket.

4 Jack Wild:
Jack was wild and banging booze
And puffin' stuff to sap his breath,
Which he pooh-poohed till he found
There is no artful dodge of death.
(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

3 Slobodan Milosevic
Died, the foul sonuvebic.
(Ira Allen, Bethesda)

2 The winner of 'Zig Ziglar's Favorite Quotations':
P.W. Botha:
Apartheid rule is not a way
To gather healthy karma.
I bet that Mr. Botha may
Be heading someplace warma.
(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

And the winner of The Inker:

Robert E. Rich, creator of Coffee Rich:
When Robert E. Rich made a creamer from soy,
Many people thought, what could be gaucher?
But now Jews can drink coffee with tenderloin -- oy,
What a joy when a goy keeps you kosher!
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Getting Colder

June Allyson:
When I learned that June had passed,
I lowered my Depends half-mast.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Joe Barbera:
The cartoon muse to the baby boom
Has met his yabba dabba doom.
(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Red Auerbach:
The Celtics' Auerbach is dead;
The foes of Green no more see Red.
(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

Hooters chairman Robert Brooks:
He taught America the knack
Of buying dinner off the rack.
(Jay Shuck)

Mike Douglas once had John and Yoko co-host on his show.
(I used to watch it every day at 5.)
The Reaper has an awful lot to answer for, you know:
Of those three folks, look which one's still alive.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Gerald Ford:
When I was young, you pardoned
Richard Nixon.
I labeled you a crooked, evil jerk.
But you were in the right. Please
pardon me, sir.
And thank you for the extra day off work.
(Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Betty Friedan, feminists' pal,
Last year became a femme fatale.
  (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Saddam Hussein:
You may regret you called our bluff,
But you've been proven smarter.
Our president looks like a fool,
And you've become a martyr.
(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Steve Irwin brought us crocs and snakes,
A great wide world of wonder;
We hate to say "Goodbye now, mate,"
But crikey! He's Down Under.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Don Knotts:
O Barney boy, the Fife, the Fife is calling,
Death came for Goober, Otis and Aunt Bea.
Old Floyd is gone, and Andy can't be long now.
Have Opie douse the lights in Mayberry.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Bernard Lacoste:
See you later
(Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

When planning the wake for Kenneth Lay,
Just don't have it be at 4:01, 'kay?
(Jay Shuck)

Alexander Litvinenko:
We buried you two months ago,
But still you've got that healthy glow.
(Brendan Beary)

It's Byron Nelson's final round.
He's lying low and starts to wonder
Whether, since he's in the ground,
He has a chance to shoot six under.
(Chris Doyle)

Icon to thousands of fitness crazies,
Jack Palance is one-handedly pushing up daisies.
(Kevin D'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.)

Denis Payton passed through Heaven's door,
And left behind the Dave Clark Four.
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

Augusto Pinochet:
If you pronounced it Pino-shay,
Your passing caused us no dismay.
If you pronounced it Pino-chette,
Your passing caused us no regret.
(Bob Dalton)

Wilson Pickett and Kirby Puckett:
A singer, a slugger,
A Pickett, a Puckett,
Were both Hall of Famers
Who just kicked the bucket.
  (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Arnie Sachs, photojournalist:
Clinton clasping Kennedy
He captured with his Konica.
More famous, surely, he would be
Had it been Bill 'n' Monica.
(Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Lawrence (Ramrod) Shurtliff, Grateful Dead roadie:
What a long strange trip
'Board the Stygian ferry,
Now you're drivin' that train
And truckin' with Jerry.
(Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)

A man of letters was Aaron Spelling:
T and A are what he was selling.
(Jack Held, Fairfax)

Botha, Stroessner, Pinochet,
And don't forget Hussein:
A bunch of despots passed away
Who caused their countries pain.
To advocate democracy,
We cheer these tyrants' ends,
Forgetting that, politically,
They used to be our friends.
(Brendan Beary)

John Kenneth Galbraith & Milton Friedman:
Wall Street reeled, it cried collusion;
"How could they reach the same conclusion?"
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Moose (Eddie on "Frasier"):
A humble pro, he shunned all glamour.
Yet on his show he upstaged Grammer.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Glenn Ford, John M. Ford, Gerald Ford, Wilson Pickett:
We know that Glenn and John and Jerry
By their partners were adored,
But only Wilson Pickett's Sally
Got to ride the hottest Ford.
(Kevin Dopart)

You lied, took bribes, diddled the help
And squandered your authority
I can't say that I'm sad you're gone,
Republican majority.
(Mark Eckenwiler)

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