Question Celebrity

On Thursday, January 11, Madonna had to work all day while I happily loafed, which is why I saw her come and go on the "Today" show, followed by "Live with Regis and Kelly," and then, before I dozed off, on "The Late Show With David Letterman." Three talk shows in one day is a lot for Madonna, who, from the look on her face during this PR-a-thon, would prefer to not do any at all. So what got her up that early? Apparently, she voices an elfin-type creature in Luc Besson's partially animated children's flick "Arthur and the Invisibles."

And, like a good soldier, Madonna was honoring her contractual duty to promote the movie: She was running late to "Today," which was fine with the hosts, who turned it into a comical game of point-the-camera-up-the-street-and-see-if-Madonna-has-arrived-yet (a.k.a., Mock the Diva). Immediately shown to her seat on the set, the star was playfully, pointlessly questioned by Meredith Vieira and made to watch a clip of herself on "Today" from 1987, back when she used to talk like Betty Boop by way of Detroit. ("Why do you do this to me?" modern Madonna moaned, in her British accent, while Vieira mischievously laughed.) Then Madonna was asked to go outside (temps in the low 30s, here's what's happening in your neck of the woods) and make nice with actual people. Which she did, but on the way she was accosted by a crazy old woman in the studio hallway who turned out to be Cybill Shepherd.

Minutes later, Madonna was on the third stool at Regis and Kelly's show, trying her best to answer a question about the New York conversation du jour: the spat between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump, of which Madonna could truthfully claim to know very little, because she pays attention to no media whatsoever, even as she is shilling her own. Kelly Ripa spazzed out for and about Madonna in faux-lesbian crush mode, and Madonna politely smiled, then fled. Later that day, she and Letterman had absolutely nothing to talk about, either. He wasn't sure how many children she has now or their genders, and she found it shocking he could be so ill-informed about celebrities. (Does he too avoid reading or watching all media?) In each case, Madonna did only what she must: Endured another full-screen display of the Britney kiss, spoke vaguely about the international adoption dust-up she recently went through, set up the same clip from "Arthur and the Invisibles," and wanly endorsed the film. Fat lotta good: It grossed only $4.3 million that weekend. Still, Madonna's PR-a-thon was worth it, just to remind Americans that sooner or later, we've all gotta make the donuts.

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