More Than Fair

What parent doesn't want to raise a confident child?

But how best to do that, without creating the monster familiar to many Americans: the kid with inflated self-esteem endlessly praised since kindergarten who is convinced everything he or she does is "special"?

In "The Confident Child: Raising Children to Believe in Themselves," British social psychologist Terri Apter offers her prescriptions in the form of clear, down-to-earth advice for parents seeking to instill confidence in their children. The book, a paperback edition of a volume published in 1997, seems especially relevant today as an antidote to programs that encourage a "barrage of self-praise" and, in Apter's view, do little to help children cope with life's inevitable setbacks.

The author of six other books, two of which explored the terrain of fraught relationships between mothers and teenage daughters, Apter focuses on the years between ages 5 and 15 -- the decade when children's self-concepts take shape and become more or less permanent.

Apter, who teaches at the University of Cambridge, draws on her professional experience, as well as research about child development and resiliency.

Her work is also informed by personal experience. "I could not have written this book . . . if I did not know what it was like to be impatient with a child who needs my support," she writes in a chapter titled "How to Be an Imperfect Parent Without Ruining Your Child's Life." Her responses to her own children, she observes, can "swing with ease from anger to guilt, from irritation to regret."

Apter discusses scenarios that will resonate with many parents: what it means when an 8-year-old becomes enraged because she can't draw a "perfect" picture; how to respond to a 13-year-old who wants to go away with a friend, blowing off competitive swimming for which he has been training; and what to say -- or not say -- when a child fails a test.

She is dead-on when discussing the often-overlooked role of sibling rivalry and its influence on the development of self-confidence. Children, she reminds parents, do not want their "fair" share of attention, love or resources. They want it all.

But good parenting doesn't mean making sure each child gets equal amounts of the same things, because some children require more attention than others.

Parents should always refrain from comparing children, Apter writes. Her list of the potential advantages and disadvantages of birth order is insightful, as are her practical strategies for dealing with oldest, middle and youngest children, as well as twins.

Parents, she sagely advises, "can never say too often, 'You are each my favorite.' " ·

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