Army Special Forces: Stealthy, Deadly and Now Handy With a Llama

By Al Kamen
Monday, February 5, 2007

After the Korean War, the Army gave up pack animals for trucks, planes and choppers to transport troops and equipment. But recently -- remember those folks on horseback routing the Taliban in Afghanistan? -- it's become clear that Special Forces might find themselves needing horses, mules and donkeys, and perhaps the occasional camel or llama, to move around.

But who remembers how to deal with these critters? No problem. Couple years ago the Army put together a 225-page field manual -- "Special Forces Use of Pack Animals" -- that provides a comprehensive overview on the care and feeding and uses of four-legged transportation, especially horses and mules.

"This manual," it reads, "provides the techniques of animal pack transport for organizing and operating pack animal units. It captures some of the expertise and techniques that have been lost in the United States Army over the last 50 years."

Secrecy News, which got a copy of the manual, says it has "not been approved for public release." Indeed, there's an admonition on the cover page to "destroy by any method" so as to prevent disclosure.

The manual also dispels the bad raps some animals have gotten. For example, "camels are clumsy-looking, rather ugly animals, and have a lousy reputation because they are believed to spit and kick at people. This perception is not accurate because well-handled camels are safe to work with and be around." Except that they smell, and when you point that out they spit and kick at you.

Okay, so let's say you're out in the desert and don't know whether to take your dromedary (the one-hump guy) or your Bactrian (two humps) on the day's mission. Your decision may depend on what load you're hauling and how far. The field manual explains that the dromedary can carry only 600-700 pounds for seven to eight hours for maybe 25 to 35 miles. But your basic Bactrian can carry up to 1,000 pounds and go as long and as far.

Mules, we learn, "are intelligent and possess a strong sense of self-preservation." You can't "make a mule do something if [it] thinks it will get hurt, no matter how much persuasion" you use, the manual says, adding that people "confuse this trait with stubbornness." (This also may explain why some spouses balk at taking out the garbage on extremely cold nights.) Llamas are just wonderful, the manual says. Elephants, however, "are not the easygoing, kind, loving creatures that people believe them to be. They are, of course, not evil either."

Well, the same could be said for a lot of people.

The Beer No Longer Flows for Soldiers in Europe

The U.S. Army in Europe, hard-pressed for cash these days, has canceled all "welcome home" celebrations for units returning from deployment through this fiscal year, ending the tradition of free food, rides and other community festivities for returning soldiers and their families, Stars and Stripes reported Friday.

Installation Management Command-Europe Director Russell Hall, in a Dec. 19 memo, said Army leaders in Europe had discontinued the events until the end of the fiscal year on Sept. 30.

The Army will still have formal welcome ceremonies at the bases in Europe, with soldiers marching in formation and the colors unfurled.

But Uncle Sam is no longer going to host celebrations with free food, beer and big-name entertainment. It could not be determined how much would be saved by canceling these events, Stars and Stripes reported. Also unclear how Congress and the administration could allow this to happen.

Biden's Gaffe, as It Was Foretold

Some people may have been surprised when Sen. Joseph R. Biden (D-Del.) opened his presidential campaign Wednesday and promptly put his foot in his mouth. Most people expected something like that sooner or later.

But only Roger Simon, writing a fictional story that appears in this month's Washingtonian anticipating a successful presidential race for Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), actually reported the event before it happened.

"It was wild out there for a while," Simon wrote. " 'Everybody is running for president,' Joe Biden had joked on his campaign plane. . . . 'A Jew, a woman, a black, a Mormon. It's getting like the bar scene in Star Wars!' . . .

"A blogger on the Biden plane caught Biden's Star Wars joke on videotape; it was on YouTube 12 minutes after the plane landed and all five networks in two hours. . . .

"The next morning, an ashed-faced Biden withdrew from the race, even though Bloomberg, Clinton, Obama and Romney had come to his defense.

" 'Perhaps it was without real humor,' Obama said of the joke, 'but it was also without real malice.'

"It did not matter," Simon wrote.

Of course, Biden hasn't withdrawn. Yet.

Retired Acrobat Caught in Justice's Net

This just in! The Justice Department reports that retired Ringling Bros. acrobat Kristo Ivanov, 70, pleaded guilty Friday in U.S. District Court in Orlando to helping smuggle as many as 870 illegal immigrants in the past five years "through fraudulent means."

Ivanov, through his circus booking agency, Magic Star Entertainment, had vouched that the people were sword-swallowers, clowns, acrobats, magicians and jugglers coming to work in Florida circuses.

"In fact, none of the aliens had been hired by any of the circuses listed in the visa applications," the Justice Department said. Ivanov, who charged each person $500 to $2,500 per application, agreed to forfeit about $600,000 in smuggling fees.