Drawing a Bead on 'Shooter,' Fleeing From Sandler

"Shooter." Gee, what's not to like? It's got all sorts of cool stuff -- ex-Marine snipers, political manipulations, assassination plots, good, true women, fantastic shooting, shorty M-4 carbines with optics, ironic reversals. But when I was watching the ad just before the Super Bowl, I was thinking: Hmmm, is this story familiar or what? Let's see, was it the fifth season of "24" in 2006? No, no, it must have been "Most Wanted," with Keenen Ivory Wayans in 1997. Or no, now I have it: It's based on "Point of Impact," from way back in 1992. Who wrote that one again? Oh, yeah: me.

- What are the three scariest words in the English language?

"Some assembly required."

And what are the second-scariest three words in the English language? Again, it's not rocket science.

"Starring Adam Sandler."

And that's Adam Sandler when he's trying to be funny.

You want terror, you say? You want, fear, loathing, cold sweats, nightmares, long dark nights of the soul, the 4 a.m. heebie-jeebies, an excuse to crack open the special-edition Makers Mark someone gave you for a special occasion?

Adam Sandler trying to be serious.

PLEASEGODNONOTTHAT-
IHAVESINNEDIWILLCHANGE-
GODDON'TDOTHISTOME.

But God has no mercy. He is busy elsewhere and thus in April a movie comes to us called "Reign Over Me" starring Adam Sandler as "a man who lost his family in the September 11 attack on New York City." I am not making this up.

I happened to witness the previews over the weekend. It was enough to make a fellow cry in front of his wife.

Adam Sandler with frizzy hair. Sort of poofy, you know, not much body, blondish and frazzly, and goofy. See, that's how an "actor" conveys "grief."

Adam Sandler on a cute motorized scooter, winding preciously through the New York traffic. Adam Sandler with a pilot's helmet, like Snoopy when he flies against the Red Baron. Adam Sandler acting disassociated, vaporous, schizzy, dizzy, hazy, blowsy, frowsy, cute-nutty.

The movie -- written and directed by Mike Binder, who owes the world one apology already for "The Upside of Anger" -- appears to be about the lost and forlorn Sandler's encounter with old college roommate and current dentist played by Don Cheadle, a genuinely great actor. The dentist is being consumed by his busy life and when he runs into his old bud shattered by grief, the two of them bond. And . . . rescue each other.

Why did I think this was such a cool job?