Financial Infidelity

Fought About and Lied About, Even When Not Talked About, Money Makes Couples Mad

(Illustration by Robert Neubecker for The Washington Post)

Every year around Valentine's Day, I get a number of surveys about love and money.

Although the results of these surveys rarely change, I continue to be dismayed by the findings. The latest comes from the online payment company PayPal. In its "Can't Buy Me Love" survey, the company found that money trumps sex and housecleaning as the No. 1 issue that couples fight about.

Couples are still lying about their spending, according to this latest survey. Eighty-two percent of respondents said they hide shopping bags and purchases from their partner.

A majority of couples think their spouse or partner is using money as a means of control in the relationship, including when and how they choose to shop.

Over the years, I've received many letters and e-mails from couples who are struggling to manage their money together. Usually it's because they failed to have meaningful financial discussions before the nuptials. Many couples spend a year or more planning their wedding ceremony and reception but less than a few hours -- if that -- figuring out how to deal with their money differences.

I've heard from married folk who refuse to divulge to their spouses their annual income. Others buy expensive items without consulting their mates. They hide bills. Or they argue over how to divide up the bills based on how much each one makes.

In time for Valentine's Day, I invited people to write me to share their financial struggles. I volunteered to weigh in. Most who wrote just wanted to vent. Many didn't want their names used. Others felt it was too late: They were already contemplating divorce because they fought over their finances.

Darlene Muffler of St. Louis was one of the brave souls to step forward and admit that she went into her marriage without spending enough time talking about money. She has promised this year to work harder at communicating more openly and honestly about finances with her husband of five years.

"I have paid a dear price because I failed to follow through on wise counsel before we married, and our financial house is a subject I am totally in the dark about," she wrote.

Muffler said that though her husband is a good money manager, their issue is trust: "We have not as yet found the middle ground of working as one."

One Eastern Shore woman, who agreed to share her story on condition of anonymity, has a common problem -- a spouse uninterested in budgeting.

"We have never discussed finances," said the 48-year-old wife and mother. "We just keep running out of money every month. Every time I try to discuss preparing a budget or a monthly cash/flow budget, he gets very very defensive. We don't even have an emergency fund and are maxed out on credit card debt. How do I even converse with my spouse so he is not angry and defensive and so that we can make our finances transparent, even if they are in a horrible state? I feel helpless and resentful."