Financial Infidelity

· Last is college savings. The immediate need is to balance their household budget and get rid of their consumer credit debt.

"Being honest with yourself and loved ones about your financial past and future is an early key to success," said Joanne Kerstetter, spokeswoman for Consumer Credit Counseling Services of Greater Washington. "Remember that everyone has their own money style, which has been shaped by their past experiences. Approaching the issues honestly and openly gives you a much better chance at a strong, healthy financial relationship."

Of all the letters I received, one stood out. It illustrated what PayPal and other love-and-money surveys find: Too often one person in the partnership is too controlling.

That's the case with a 54-year-old Maryland woman who responded to my query. She's been married for almost 25 years to an accountant. After their first child, she quit working outside the home.

"My husband set up a financial system that he controls completely," she wrote. "Basically, I don't have a clue about our finances. My participation in his system is to bring to him on a daily basis any charge receipts, ATM withdrawals and my checkbook. Financially, we are comfortable which I am grateful for, but it has come at a cost to me. There are no checks and balances. What he says goes. I am not his financial partner. I am no match when it comes to his financial knowledge and expertise.''

She says she's desperate.

"I have suggested to my husband that I want my own account that I can manage on my own," she wrote. "I want monthly money that is for my eyes only to spend and manage. I'm very responsible with money. My husband is totally against the idea. Would you please be so kind to suggest a way for me to untangle myself from this straitjacket?''

First, I would advise her or any spouse in this situation to have an honest discussion. Share your feelings. Talk about how controlled you feel -- because this problem isn't just about the money. Marital counseling would certainly help. To find a counselor, check with the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy ( http://www.aamft.org).

In many marriages, one person is the treasurer, taking care of the bills and managing the savings and investments. But taking on the role of money manager doesn't mean being a dictator. Decisions should be jointly made, and that goes for money, too. If you're the spouse who isn't comfortable with money issues, you need to get over your phobia. You need to at least be aware of what's going on.

Each spouse should have some money he or she can spend nag-free. You don't need to have separate accounts to do this -- just an agreement that you both get to spend some cash without having to explain or justify what you did with it.

Solving the financial difficulties in your relationship isn't easy, especially if you think it's all about the money. It's not. It's a failure to compromise, communicate and set common goals.

Research and reporting assistant Charity Brown contributed to this report.

On the air: Michelle Singletary discusses personal finance Tuesdays on NPR's "Day to Day" program and online athttp://www.npr.org.·

By mail: Readers can write to her at The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.·

By e-mail:singletarym@washpost.com.

Comments and questions are welcome, but because of the volume of mail, personal responses are not always possible. Please note that comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer's name, unless a specific request to do otherwise is indicated.