Financial Infidelity
Fought About and Lied About, Even When Not Talked About, Money Makes Couples Mad

By Michelle Singletary
Sunday, February 11, 2007

Every year around Valentine's Day, I get a number of surveys about love and money.

Although the results of these surveys rarely change, I continue to be dismayed by the findings. The latest comes from the online payment company PayPal. In its "Can't Buy Me Love" survey, the company found that money trumps sex and housecleaning as the No. 1 issue that couples fight about.

Couples are still lying about their spending, according to this latest survey. Eighty-two percent of respondents said they hide shopping bags and purchases from their partner.

A majority of couples think their spouse or partner is using money as a means of control in the relationship, including when and how they choose to shop.

Over the years, I've received many letters and e-mails from couples who are struggling to manage their money together. Usually it's because they failed to have meaningful financial discussions before the nuptials. Many couples spend a year or more planning their wedding ceremony and reception but less than a few hours -- if that -- figuring out how to deal with their money differences.

I've heard from married folk who refuse to divulge to their spouses their annual income. Others buy expensive items without consulting their mates. They hide bills. Or they argue over how to divide up the bills based on how much each one makes.

In time for Valentine's Day, I invited people to write me to share their financial struggles. I volunteered to weigh in. Most who wrote just wanted to vent. Many didn't want their names used. Others felt it was too late: They were already contemplating divorce because they fought over their finances.

Darlene Muffler of St. Louis was one of the brave souls to step forward and admit that she went into her marriage without spending enough time talking about money. She has promised this year to work harder at communicating more openly and honestly about finances with her husband of five years.

"I have paid a dear price because I failed to follow through on wise counsel before we married, and our financial house is a subject I am totally in the dark about," she wrote.

Muffler said that though her husband is a good money manager, their issue is trust: "We have not as yet found the middle ground of working as one."

One Eastern Shore woman, who agreed to share her story on condition of anonymity, has a common problem -- a spouse uninterested in budgeting.

"We have never discussed finances," said the 48-year-old wife and mother. "We just keep running out of money every month. Every time I try to discuss preparing a budget or a monthly cash/flow budget, he gets very very defensive. We don't even have an emergency fund and are maxed out on credit card debt. How do I even converse with my spouse so he is not angry and defensive and so that we can make our finances transparent, even if they are in a horrible state? I feel helpless and resentful."

She wonders if they should see a marriage counselor.

That would help.

"What we really need is to have ground rules about how we save and spend money," she wrote.

I couldn't agree more.

But then she tells on herself. Her husband isn't the only one busting the budget. She writes: "His idea of budgeting is 'Just don't spend money.' Well, that is impossible as a stay-at-home mom. You get asked to have coffee or lunch with a parent, donate to a community project, have other kids over for lunch or dinner, go to a movie, McDonald's . . . etc."

She mentions expenses you can't avoid -- groceries, gas, medical bills. However, if you're in debt and you don't have an emergency fund, you have to cut back, whether you're the spouse working in the home or outside. If you are the stay-at-home parent, that doesn't mean you have to cut all contact with friends. You just need to find a way to socialize that doesn't involve spending money you don't have.

Specifically, the Eastern Shore mom wanted to know if should she do the following: get a monthly cash/flow budget; pay off credit card debt (more than $30,000); start a monthly college fund for their 7-year-old son; and set aside at least three months of living expenses for an emergency fund.

In this order, here's what I would suggest she do:

· Get counseling if she and her husband can't discuss their household finances without fighting. Counseling can help to determine why they overspend.

· Sit down and come up with a budget. Start by listing income and then expenses. Go through the list of expenses and find ways to cut.

· Develop a plan to attack that $30,000 in credit card debt. And that starts by putting away the cards. They should not charge another dollar until that debt is completely paid off.

· While cutting expenses, try to save something, even if it's just $20 from every paycheck.

· Last is college savings. The immediate need is to balance their household budget and get rid of their consumer credit debt.

"Being honest with yourself and loved ones about your financial past and future is an early key to success," said Joanne Kerstetter, spokeswoman for Consumer Credit Counseling Services of Greater Washington. "Remember that everyone has their own money style, which has been shaped by their past experiences. Approaching the issues honestly and openly gives you a much better chance at a strong, healthy financial relationship."

Of all the letters I received, one stood out. It illustrated what PayPal and other love-and-money surveys find: Too often one person in the partnership is too controlling.

That's the case with a 54-year-old Maryland woman who responded to my query. She's been married for almost 25 years to an accountant. After their first child, she quit working outside the home.

"My husband set up a financial system that he controls completely," she wrote. "Basically, I don't have a clue about our finances. My participation in his system is to bring to him on a daily basis any charge receipts, ATM withdrawals and my checkbook. Financially, we are comfortable which I am grateful for, but it has come at a cost to me. There are no checks and balances. What he says goes. I am not his financial partner. I am no match when it comes to his financial knowledge and expertise.''

She says she's desperate.

"I have suggested to my husband that I want my own account that I can manage on my own," she wrote. "I want monthly money that is for my eyes only to spend and manage. I'm very responsible with money. My husband is totally against the idea. Would you please be so kind to suggest a way for me to untangle myself from this straitjacket?''

First, I would advise her or any spouse in this situation to have an honest discussion. Share your feelings. Talk about how controlled you feel -- because this problem isn't just about the money. Marital counseling would certainly help. To find a counselor, check with the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy ( http://www.aamft.org).

In many marriages, one person is the treasurer, taking care of the bills and managing the savings and investments. But taking on the role of money manager doesn't mean being a dictator. Decisions should be jointly made, and that goes for money, too. If you're the spouse who isn't comfortable with money issues, you need to get over your phobia. You need to at least be aware of what's going on.

Each spouse should have some money he or she can spend nag-free. You don't need to have separate accounts to do this -- just an agreement that you both get to spend some cash without having to explain or justify what you did with it.

Solving the financial difficulties in your relationship isn't easy, especially if you think it's all about the money. It's not. It's a failure to compromise, communicate and set common goals.

Research and reporting assistant Charity Brown contributed to this report.

On the air: Michelle Singletary discusses personal finance Tuesdays on NPR's "Day to Day" program and online athttp://www.npr.org.·

By mail: Readers can write to her at The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.·

By e-mail:singletarym@washpost.com.

Comments and questions are welcome, but because of the volume of mail, personal responses are not always possible. Please note that comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer's name, unless a specific request to do otherwise is indicated.