Love's Labor's Lost

Some have lived through the divorce of their parents. Or they witness disputes between Mom and Dad yet are not privy to the negotiations their parents undertake to resolve these differences. Although Mom and Dad may say they love each other, young women report that they rarely see their parents hug, hold hands, act playfully or do other things that sustain love.

They have the same complaints about the way love is portrayed in the movies or on television. A college junior says, "We never see anything positive about Hollywood relationships. It's beginning to seem normal to get married on flings and then get divorced and have random babies." Evie Lalangas wonders, "Have you ever noticed how romantic comedies are all about falling in love or breaking up? I want to say, 'Show me the rest of your life!' "

What if, after hesitating, young women enter into a relationship? What does that look like? How do they make it last? Since they haven't dated much, if at all, it's difficult for them to know.

Steps Toward Intimacy

Romantic love occasionally insists on making its presence known even to the most cavalier of young women. This happened to a young woman who spent much of her college time hooking up and then, two months into her junior year, fell in love with a senior who loved her back.

From the moment they decided to be a couple, they knew their relationship probably wouldn't last after he graduated and moved away. But they decided to try to make it work as long as they could. Midway through their eight months together, she wrote in her diary: "We had some long talks about us and it's nice to know we are more or less on the same page, even though it is a hard page to be on. One thing I became very certain of is that if I changed any of my plans or dreams for him, I would resent him and it would eventually ruin whatever relationship we might have. . . . I'm glad to have him in my life right now. . . . We push each other to become our dreams/goals/passions. . . .

"My generation -- actually, our society -- is into taking shortcuts. . . . Hookups are like the shortcut to intimacy, while dating is the long way around, the scenic route. We want to get there, wherever 'there' is, as quickly as possible, and I think we've lost the ability to enjoy the journey."

Adapted from "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both" (Riverhead Books), by Laura Sessions Stepp.