ASK AMY

Dear Amy:

My husband has been angry with me for almost a month. He tells me that our marriage is irreparably damaged.

This whole mess stemmed from a party at a friend's house.

On the tented back deck, my husband and two other men lit cigars. The hostess told them to go outside, and they did. Once outside, the host proceeded to repeatedly yell at my husband and embarrass him. We left.

The host called early the next morning to apologize. My husband would not take his call. The host called again two weeks later, and my husband had some choice words for him.

Here's the problem: The host owns part of an indoor tennis club. The next closest club is an hour away. I play tennis at this club two times a week. (I maintain an office in my house to be present for our four children.) Getting out to play tennis is a major part of my social life. My closest girlfriends play there. It has also provided referrals for my law practice.

My husband does not want me to play at that club. He wants me to make the two-hour round trip to go elsewhere. I told him that he should forgive the host's behavior, because the host apologized. I also asked him what he was thinking when he smoked a cigar in such a venue. I do not permit smoking in our home.

I have continued to play tennis, and my husband wants nothing to do with me. He claims I am not supporting him. I could understand his position if no apology had been forthcoming. However, that is not the case.

What would you do?

Long Cold Winter

When you are in a standoff that on the surface seems so very petty, it's safe to assume that sometimes a cigar isn't just a cigar. You and your husband are struggling over power and control.