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A First-Class Education

Ask the Slouch

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Q. Tiger Woods said he would skip the British Open for the birth of his child. Would you miss a poker tournament for the birth of a baby Slouch? (Gary Randolph; Warrenton)

A. My sperm count is -- how shall we say? -- somewhat under par, so, to be honest, I'm more likely to make a birdie than a baby.

Q. Can I safely assume that if the Borg were to assimilate the human race, Dick Vitale's one voice would drown out the three billion of The Collective? (Ted Thornton; Charleston, W. Va.)

A. As Dickie V might say, "Resistance ain't fu-tile, bay-bee!!!"

Q. The Pistons' Richard Hamilton wears a Plexiglas facemask in order to guard against overly aggressive defenses. Did you ever consider wearing this type of protective device during your second marriage? (Tony Kotler; Washington)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Why doesn't ESPN have "priority score alerts" for NCAA basketball games? (Bob Strunak; Fairview Park, Ohio)

A. Ring him up, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mailasktheslouch@aol.comand, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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