Week 703: Freak Trade Agreements

Intermittent Loser Jerry Ewing of Orlando, when not whiling away the hours sending sarcastically flattering e-mails to the Empress, likes to peruse the "Barter" category on the Craigslist classified-ad Web site (the example above is an actual proposed trade he found) and wonder about the circumstances that prompted the offers (the example above is Jerry's own warped speculation). This week: Think of one thing to trade for another, and supply a short and funny explanation.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a little box that may well be the oddest prize ever offered here: One day there mysteriously appeared in the Empress's mailbox an envelope whose return address said "LM" and a street in Ypsilanti, Mich. But the stamps and postmark were from the nation of Oman. Which is where LM presumably found this item, which, because The Washington Post is a little squeamish when it comes to certain body parts, we will call "Dr. James Fitting [Birth Canal] Tablet." The description on the back says that "leuccorrhea will be disappeared when Herbal Capsules is inserted," and goes on to promise married women that, er, they will seem younger in a certain way.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 12. Put "Week 703" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 700

in which we sought presidential campaign slogans for the actual candidates as well as for those who are even less likely to win. Huge response, much of it shockingly stupid ("Root for Rudy"?) along with some that were clever but just too tasteless even for us -- sorry, no Sen. Tim Johnson jokes here.

4. Joe Biden: You'll Always Know Where He Stands, Because You'll Always Know Where His Foot Is. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

3. Hillary Clinton: You Know I Didn't Have Sexual Relations With That Woman! (Armani Steele, Boston; Bill Cowart, Washington)

2. the winner of the ceramic hamantaschen-shaped grogger: Alaska's Mike Gravel: Give a Snowball a Chance in Hell (Bob Dalton)

And the Winner of the Inker Gen. Eric Shinseki: If You'd Listened to Me, We'd Be Home by Now (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Dangling Chad

Christopher Dodd: It's Time the Democratic Party Gave a Liberal New Englander a Try (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Lyndon LaRouche: Finally, a Candidate Who Actually Believes the Ridiculous Stuff He Says (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield)

Tom Vilsack: I've Never Heard of Me Either (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Danny Groner, Silver Spring)

Marion Barry: Getting Rid of Drugs, One Gram at a Time (Ira Allen)