O Captain! Our Captain! Hero's Day Is Done
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Somebody shot Captain America! On the courthouse steps! He's dead! Cap'n 'Murica is dead!
The last time this happened -- yes, Captain America has bitten the dust before -- it was the Nazis and it was World War II, and he got blown up by a bomb-laden plane. The comic started in 1941, and five years later he fell to earth. He stayed dead, trapped in the North Atlantic ice, for 20 years.
Yesterday, the revived Marvel Comics superhero took one to the shoulder from a sniper named Crossbones and -- get this! -- three to the chest from a FORMER GIRLFRIEND!
Well. There you have it, America, just how far this country has fallen.
He died wearing really tight pants and a grimace. Blond, 6-foot-4, 240 pounds. Looked good in a uniform. You can imagine the headline in Tehran: "Great Satan Shot by Western Sexpot."
When Captain America throws his mighty shield,
All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield.
Does anybody remember this, the Captain America cartoon theme song? Back in the mid-1960s, when a buck was still silver, your parents left the front door open and all the fast girls wore anklets?
If he's led to a fight and a duel is due,
Then the red and white and the blue'll come through
When Captain America throws his mighty shield.
His real name, which he had fought a mighty battle to keep secret, was Steve Rogers. He grew up in New York, in the world of Marvel, too puny to fight in World War II. Then a crazy scientist injected him with "Super Soldier Serum" (Barry Bonds called it "the clear") and boy, did he beef up! He could bench 800 pounds! Run 60 miles an hour! Punch out Nazis faster than Joe Louis!