The Masculine Singular
Social Isolation Is Hazardous to Men's Health, but Many Find It Hard to Open Up

By Sara Sklaroff
Special to The Washington Post
Tuesday, March 13, 2007

No, scientists still haven't found the gene that keeps men from asking for directions. But they have discovered that reaching out to other people is good for men's health.

Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health who looked at more than 28,000 men over a period of 10 years found that those who were socially isolated were more likely than others to have died of all manner of illness, accidents and suicide.

This study and others show that men who lack strong social networks are at far greater risk of developing heart disease and that those who already have heart disease are more likely to die from it. And men who are not connected with other people run a higher risk of depression and other mental health problems.

So what is it about these social connections that's so key? For one thing, being close with other people may encourage you to do such things as eat regular nutritious meals, which can improve health. Friends and family members can also offer support in a time of need (e.g., getting you to the hospital in an emergency or helping you recuperate after surgery). And there's evidence that spending time with other people -- presumably people you like -- can reduce stress.

Men often think that their lives are complete if they are in close touch with their immediate family members -- or even just with their wives. But that's only part of the equation. "Different types of relationships provide different types of protection," says Eric Loucks, a McGill University professor who has studied these effects. "Social groups -- outside of the family -- provide different models of ways to live." Your wife or partner may not exercise, but if you spend time with other people who enjoy playing sports or working out, their good habits may rub off on you. Likewise, Loucks says, people who smoke and who are more socially connected, particularly to nonsmokers, have a greater chance of quitting.

Some men believe they have close friends, but these may merely be guys they can call on for a lift to the airport, not people who will offer support during a personal crisis. "Men are taught not to share vulnerabilities with other men -- that's one of the first rules of masculinity," says Michael Addis, a professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass. It's also partly why they have trouble asking for professional help even when they're in serious emotional pain.

Know someone who needs help reaching out and making those important connections? Here are some ideas from the experts.

Join a group. But not a competitive one. Belonging to organized groups is a great way to expand your network "as long as they are not reinforcing traditional scripts," Addis says. Instead of (or in addition to) softball leagues and poker nights, he suggests, for example, book clubs or groups focused on the outdoors. They may give you opportunities for important one-on-one discussions about personal matters.

Take a chance."It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to another guy," Addis says. The risk of rejection may feel overwhelming, and certainly you need to be careful in choosing someone to confide in. But if you can make the connection, he says, there's a "tremendous payoff: relief."

Consider women. As friends, that is. Cross-sex friendships are on the rise, especially among younger people, says Michael Kimmel, a masculinity expert and professor at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. Making friends with a woman can be beneficial for both of you, since male and female modes of relating are often quite different. You may find that a woman is easier to speak candidly to, or more supportive.

And, yes, get married. The evidence is overwhelming: Married men -- especially those in happy marriages -- tend to be far healthier than their single counterparts. (Married women's health is another, more complicated, story.) Wives are also more likely to bring new friends into a couple's social circle. Plus, wives are very often the ones who persuade their husbands to seek help for physical and mental ailments.

Remember, you're not alone. Addis says a lot of men keep their feelings to themselves in the belief that "everything's okay with the other guy, it's just me." But chances are, that other guy is suffering, too, or has had problems in the past.

Be a man. That is to say, if all of this sounds like touchy-feely mumbo jumbo, consider how macho it is to take control of your life -- and change it for the better. If you are struggling with depression, for example, "the act of seeking help requires a great deal of courage, simply because so many men are discouraged from seeking help for problems in their lives," Addis says. "It's a bold move because it requires individual men to not bow to societal pressures but to stand on their own and do what's right for them." ·

Sara Sklaroff, who lives in Washington, writes frequently about gender. Comments:health@washpost.com.

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