Standing by a Daughter During a Difficult Time

Q. Our 16-year-old daughter has had a very difficult year and I don't know how to handle it.

I thought we had a good relationship, but she was sexually harassed at school for months before she told us about it, nor did she tell us that she was sexually assaulted until her assailant was accused of other assaults.

When we found out, we took her to counseling, but she quit, saying that it was "no big deal." Her therapist told us to follow her lead and let her come back when she was ready, but will these experiences affect her other relationships?

My daughter has been dating a kind, polite and friendly boy who goes to another school and doesn't know exactly what happened to her last year. Now she tells us that she and her boyfriend haven't had intercourse yet but they've come pretty close, despite our careful parenting and supervision. I have spoken to her candidly about risks, responsibility, the values of our family and the choices that only she could make, and I've also talked with her about some conversations I overheard between her and her boyfriend and about some messages she left on the computer. I don't know how to talk with her about their latest communiques, however. They are highly sexual, they assume that love is the same as desire and they promise to love each other everlastingly.

His messages trouble me the most. He has a traumatic, unstable family life and relies heavily on his cousin -- a young married man -- and he tells my daughter that his life is horrible at home, that it would be much worse without her and that he is obsessed with her. I'd like her to get back into counseling, but she says she has nothing to talk about. I'm terrified, however, because I don't know where to begin and I'm afraid this situation could be dangerous.

A.Your daughter may not be ready for counseling, but it sounds like you need it yourself. That's only natural.

You've spent 16 years trying to keep your child safe, only to find out that she wasn't nearly as safe as you thought. Your parental confidence is shaken but it shouldn't be: You handled a tough situation well and your daughter knows it. She may have kept her fears to herself for a while, but she now trusts you enough to tell you about her relationship with her boyfriend. Keep the lines open by talking with her about the messages they send to each other -- she wouldn't leave them on the computer screen unless she wanted you to see them -- and by asking her what she would do if she got pregnant. Would she keep the baby? Go for an adoption? Have an abortion? When you're dealing with teenagers, questions are usually more effective than lectures.

You also should let the boyfriend visit after school occasionally, if you're at home, but don't let your daughter hang out at his place, because it sounds too chaotic, and don't let them go out on school nights or spend too much time together. That's asking for trouble.

Be open and friendly with her boyfriend, however, and invite him to dinner every week or so. This will make his life more tolerable, it will give you a chance to know him better and it will help you figure out if he really is obsessing over your daughter or just being dramatic. Adolescents often use words extravagantly but seldom with precision.

Your attention and your positive support will help your daughter and her boyfriend handle the temptations and the angst that come with a first romance. Young love is poignant and often bittersweet, full of delirious joy as well as silliness, passion, angry breakups and tender reconciliations. Like most high school relationships, it probably won't last, but it deserves your respect while it does.

Most of all, though, your daughter needs therapy, so she can admit to herself that the harassment and assault she experienced really was a big deal and that she has the right and the duty to protest this behavior. Otherwise she may be overcome with bouts of fear or shame, which almost surely will affect her relationships.

Although your daughter doesn't want to go to therapy alone, she may agree to go with you a few times and this, in turn, may encourage her to try counseling again.

To learn how to talk about love and sex with your teenager, read "How Can We Talk About That?" by Jane DiVita Woody (Jossey-Bass, $18); "Straight From the Heart" by Carol Cassell (Simon and Schuster), which is out of print, but available online; and everyone's favorite, "Sex and Sensibility" by Deborah Roffman (Perseus, $17). These books are first-rate.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.