No Sir Paul, but Plenty of Nostalgia on 'Idol'

By Lisa de Moraes
Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Sixties British Invasion Week on American Idol. Was going to be Paul McCartney week, but he bowed out. Which was smart because his soon-to-be-ex-wife Heather Mills totally killed on the fourth-edition debut of "Dancing With the Stars" the night before.

Everything is '60s on "Idol" this week -- the songs, Paula Abdul's wig, the strobe lights, the coaches -- Lulu for the chicks, Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits for the guys. An adorable prepubescent pigtailed girl starts weeping uncontrollably, just like that time McCartney and fellow Beatles sang on "The Ed Sullivan Show" -- except this time it's Sanjaya Malakar (dressed in a Sgt. Pepper kinda jacket and Twiggy kinda sweater) singing the Kinks' "You Really Got Me."

Even the ads are '60s. Someone sings the Petula Clark song "Downtown" for Visa. In one a guy smokes pot and tries to get his dog to inhale.

The coaches do not have a lot to say, and what they do say is ignored by the competitors, but not until each singer looks at the camera earnestly and says that meeting the old folks was "amazing" because their advice was "so useful."

This is, in fact, the greatest coach-ignoring episode in the history of "American Idol."

Among the highlights:

Lulu literally begs Lakisha Jones to sing "You Are My World" instead of "Diamonds Are Forever." She sings "Diamonds Are Forever." Judge Simon Cowell says she looked like Lakisha at 50. Lakisha shoots back that if she looks and sounds this good at 50, she'll be very happy. Snap!

Noone tells Sanjaya he looks more like a Herman's Hermit than a Kink and if he wants to win the competition he should sing "I'm Into Something Good," only then he says maybe Sanjaya had better sing "You've Really Got Me" by the Kinks. Sanjaya sings the Kinks' song and, while we know saying this probably means we need to adjust our meds, Sanjaya's performance is one of the better ones of the evening.

Haley Scarnato ignores Lulu's advice to sing "Tell Him" more staccato. In honor of '60s week, Haley wears hot pants, a shiny silk halter top and spectator pumps, which we think showed up later in a Payless ad. "You naughty little thing," says Simon approvingly.

Chris Richardson says being able to work with Noone was great because he knew these songs -- like Chris has just watched Homer perform all the parts in "The Iliad." Simon, who is British and old, says he was not familiar with "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying." Yeah, right.

Lulu puts the "You remind me of a young Beyonce" curse on Stephanie Edwards. Edwards's head blows up to the size of a dirigible and she blows "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me." The judges don't love and she begins to whine "the songs are so old!"

Noone tells Chris Sligh he, Noone, got voted Sexiest Artist Alive by somebody or another back in the '60s by singing "I'm Henry VIII, I Am," which inspires Sligh to sing "She's Not There" while marching around the audience holding his microphone stand like a scepter and exuding the rhythm of Queen Elizabeth. And Melinda Doolittle, professional backup singer, delivers the night's best performance and has toned down her "golly, I can't believe I'm in an actual singing competition and you like me!" schtick, though she can't help but tell viewers that when she heard she had to sing an actual British song, and from the '60s, her response was "Oh, sweet Lord Jesus what am I going to do?"

* * *

ABC finally figured out how to replace NFL football on Monday nights.

Ballroom dancing!

The debut of the fourth edition of "Dancing With the Stars" this week scared up ABC's biggest Monday 8-10 p.m. audience with regularly scheduled programming in more than 15 years.

That crowd of nearly 22 million also is the dancing competition's biggest debut yet.

The latest launch even trumped that night in October when the show brought back country crooner Sara Evans to give host Tom Bergeron the skinny on why she abruptly pulled out of the competition and filed for divorce from her GOP fundraiser husband.

Because, turns out, one-legged soon-to-be-ex of former Beatle totally trumps two-legged soon-to-be-ex of current Republican.

And, because the producers are no dummies, they saved the nearly-ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, Heather Mills, until the final few minutes, though Bergeron worked up quite a sweat making sure no one forgot she was on the way:

8:06 p.m.: We've got . . . three world champion sports stars . . . and our first performer with an artificial limb!

9:37: In our first seasons, we have seen a number of people with two left feet. Never anyone with an artificial leg . . . !

* * *

One new series launched like a prince, in the lap of luxury; two others launched like paupers, making their own way as best they could in a cruel ratings world. It's enough to make a gal philosophical.

Here's a look at the week's best of times and worst of times:

WINNERS

"October Road." ABC drama opens in the cozy post-"Grey's Anatomy" slot and logs nearly 14 million viewers -- the network's best results in that time slot with a regular program in more than four years. That said, the new chick drama about writer who goes home to say "hey" to locals he burned in semi-autobiographical novel beat the debut of NBC's "Raines" at 10 by only 3.5 million viewers -- even though "10/Rd." had a lead-in advantage of about 17 million people.

"Raines." While the media were all "ooh -- 'October Road'!" in their coverage of Thursday's premieres, the more impressive performance was that of "Raines," starring Jeff Goldblum as a detective who sees dead people. "Raines" turned a lousy "Why Does Andy Richter Keep Getting Sitcoms?" debut lead-in of 6 million viewers into a crowd of nearly 11 mil. "October Road" turned its "Grey's Anatomy" lead-in of 23 mil into 14 million viewers.

" 'Til Death." In its new, can't-miss post-"American Idol" time slot, Brad Garrett's Fox sitcom clocked its biggest audience ever -- more than 14 million viewers.

"Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" In its first time flying solo, without an "American Idol" lead-in, "5th Grader" copped Fox's biggest Thursday 8 o'clock crowd since "World's Wildest Police Videos" darkened that time period eight years ago.

LOSERS

"Jericho." Since returning from hiatus, CBS's stab at the serialized apocalyptic drama genre so popular these days is posting significantly smaller numbers than it delivered last fall. We've assumed this was the result of its "American Idol" competition, but last week "Idol" moved to 9 p.m. Wednesday and "Jericho" nonetheless hit a series low -- 7.8 million -- for an original episode.

"Wedding Bells." David E. Kelley's new chick drama plunged to 5.7 million viewers in its killer Friday time slot, less than half the crowd of 12.3 million it enjoyed one week earlier after "Idol."

"Andy Barker, P.I." See "Raines," under Winners.

The week's 10 most watched programs, in order, were: Fox's Tuesday and Wednesday "American Idol"; ABC's "Grey's Anatomy"; NBC's Monday "Deal or No Deal"; CBS's "Cold Case," "60 Minutes" and "CSI: Miami"; Fox's " 'Til Death"; ABC's "October Road"; and CBS's "Without a Trace."