Get It All on Paper

"There have been too many occurrences of abuse where someone has said, 'I'm Mom's agent,' and they think it's their money, not Mom's," said Hurme. "Institutions really want to scrutinize the document to make sure the principal -- whom you don't see -- really wanted the agent to do what the agent is attempting to do."

William Fralin, an elder-law specialist in Arlington, said he customizes powers of attorney to meet the standards of each state in which a client owns property. If a client is considering a move to another state, he incorporates that state's standards as well.

But institutions can still balk. Jean Kessler, now widowed, tried to liquidate a brokerage account she held jointly with her husband last year after he had a stroke and went into a nursing home. Her plan was to convert their holdings to an annuity to qualify for Medicaid to pay her husband's nursing-home bills, she said. Her husband had laid out her authority in a power of attorney prepared by Fralin.

But their broker refused to honor it. "He said the signature on the power of attorney didn't match the signature on the account," said Kessler. "But how could it? My husband's handwriting was affected by his stroke. How could a power of attorney that was absolutely legal not be legal in the view of this brokerage?"

It took three months for the firm to relent, during which time Kessler said she had to pay "a lot of money" for nursing-home bills that Medicaid would have covered. She said the firm gave her the money after Fralin threatened to seek an injunction.

"Had Mrs. Kessler not had a lawyer backing up the power of attorney, she still wouldn't have her money," he said.

For people who cannot afford a private attorney, legal-services offices make referrals to lawyers who prepare wills and other documents for $25 apiece. Bethesda elder-law attorney Morris Klein said people who don't face long-term-care issues generally do not need a specialist in elder law.

Some financial institutions have drawn up their own documents to avoid such disagreements. At Citigroup, new clients receive the company's customized durable power of attorney, which asks them to authorize an agent to act for them if they are incapacitated.

Another issue families have confronted is the importance of selecting an agent who can deal with sibling conflicts and rivalries. "Lawyers make their money on warring families," said Helen Cohn Needham, an elder-law attorney in Falls Church.

She said a parent's financial agent should be detail-oriented and scrupulously honest because he will operate without official oversight. And in choosing a health-care agent, she said, "go for the smart one who's not afraid of authority and who has a big mouth. They're going to have to get through the bureaucracy of a hospital. A meek person will never be heard."

AARP and the ABA are urging Americans not to wait until they are old to prepare wills and other planning documents. John Hemmendinger, an accountant and specialist in elder finance in Cedar Knolls, N.J., said his rule is: "The more money you have, the earlier you need to think about it."

Citigroup's Moore told of a wealthy former client who unexpectedly died in his early 30s before signing a will. Under New York law, the man's estate was divided equally among his wife and two toddlers, triggering "a huge estate tax," according to Moore, and leaving her without enough money to pay expenses. As minors, the children had to have court-appointed guardians to oversee the inheritance for 14 years, until they turned 18. At that point, the children controlled their money, which Moore said they were not prepared to handle.

"The basic reason to have a will is to have control over the way your assets are distributed," he said. "Because he died without one, his estate was divided in a way that definitely was not in the best interest of his children."

For all these reasons, estate and elder-law attorneys are seeing more clients who are far from elderly. Sandy Myers, 52, is one of them. Her mother died in 2004 -- five years after the crisis that forced Myers and her brother to take over their parents' affairs -- and her father has been in a nursing home since 2000.

Last year, Myers and her husband signed durable powers of attorney and health-care directives. "We made it very clear we want no extraordinary means if we're totally incapacitated," she said. "I tell people you need to do this so you don't put this burden on your children. You need to have these discussions -- the sooner the better."