ASK AMY

Dear Amy:

We invited a 12-year-old friend of our son's along with us to a movie outing to celebrate our son's birthday. We frequently invite friends to join us for various outings.

We went to a restaurant. My son and his 6-year-old sibling generally order off of the child's menu. It is a generous menu that includes dessert. When the waiter came, our guest ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and topped it off with the most expensive appetizer -- a family sampler platter intended to be shared by an entire family.

He ate it without sharing, and he proceeded to belch four or five times throughout the rest of the meal. Then he pointed and made a loud comment about an interracial couple that walked by. I was mortified!

When the bill came, it was $80, $40 of which was what our guest ordered. This was the last thing we expected when we let our son bring a friend. It seemed as though this kid was trying to take advantage of the situation. Perhaps he was never taught good manners.

The movie was an additional $70, but I ordered the snacks and gave them to the kids, because by now I was on to this one.

I told my son he needs to make some new friends this year.

Is this common?

Used and Embarrassed

When you have a guest child with you, you have an obligation to inform that child about your boundaries and values -- before you judge him harshly for violating them. I first learned this years ago when I took a group of kids to what I thought would be an inexpensive meal of pizza and pasta. When several kids decided to order the steak, I simply asked them to choose something less expensive. They seemed happy to do so.

There's nothing wrong with saying, "Brian, do me a favor and see if there's something on the kids menu that you would like to order." You also can ask him to skip the appetizer or say, "Could you share that appetizer with the rest of us? Thank you!"