By Lisa de Moraes
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Panic seized "American Idol" last night as judges searched desperately for things to say about Sanjaya Malakar's performance that would not mobilize little girls and older women to get out the vote to save him.
Sanjaya, if you've missed the show to date, is the Heather Mills of "American Idol." Instead of dancing without a leg, he's singing without a vocal cord. A talent amputee.
"I don't know that I can even comment on the vocals anymore," judge Randy Jackson offered after Sanjaya mumbled his way through Irving Berlin's "Cheek to Cheek" while gliding around stage like a waiter moving carefully through a crowd, stopping briefly to flirt and dance with Paula Abdul.
"You've turned into a great entertainer," Randy said, paying tribute to Sanjaya's ever-changing hair and outfits. This week, his hair brilliantined to shine brighter than his gleaming teeth, Sanjaya is dressed like John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever" -- which is odd, given that it's Tony Bennett week on "Idol."
"I get why people love you -- you're charming," Abdul said. "Thank you for the dance."
"Let's try a different tactic this week . . . um, incredible!" Simon Cowell contributed.
"Welcome to the Universe of Sanjaya!" Sanjaya shrieked through his Perpetual Grin back at Simon as the crowd erupted.
And then, just as they were about to pull it off, show host Ryan Seacrest had to go and say, snidely, "You do a great job of flying under the radar, Sanjaya."
And you could just see the millions of outraged little girls turning on their cellphones to text message Number Seven.
Sigh.
Oh yeah, eight other Idolettes performed classics from when Tony Bennett was the king of swing.
Bennett told Blake Lewis to slow down his performance of "Mack the Knife" and pay attention to the song's story, about a "pretty sharp gangster." Lewis ignored him and rushed through the song while stroking himself and spinning in circles, which the judges have come to call his "style." Randy complimented him on his "whole cool jazz vibe"; Paula called him "a hip cat" and Simon even gave him "7 out of 10." Blake confided to Ryan he didn't get the lyrics. No kidding.
"Night and Day" is the perfect song for Nosferatu for obvious reasons. Simon called it "utterly gloomy" and "really dark." Hello? Nosferatu a.k.a. Phil Stacey singing "Night and Day" here, people!
Melinda Doolittle wowed with "I Got Rhythm" and, with her straightened hair and low-cut dress creating the illusion of a neck, she finally looks like a woman in her 20s. Randy and Paula love her. Simon said he didn't love the first half but did the second. The audience jeered. "Oh shut UP!" he yelled back at them, then turned to Melinda and said, filled with self-pity, "I don't think we're ever going to be able to criticize you -- this is a problem."
Chris Richardson gave his best performance yet with "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" after wisely heeding Bennett's advice to memorize the lyrics, which he had not bothered to do at rehearsal. That Tony's a smart guy.
Simon called the Barbra Streisand tune "On a Clear Day," sung by Jordin Sparks, too "old fashioned." Snap!
Charlie Chaplin's tune "Smile" doesn't really work when sung by a goth girl dressed all in black with a pierced tongue. This we learned watching Gina Glocksen.
Haley Scarnato tried "Ain't Misbehavin' " as a hoochie-coochie song. Bennett explained that the woman is saying she is in love with only one person and if she sings "saving my love for you, and you and you and you!" "it doesn't make sense." Haley lost the multiple "yous" but stuck with the burlesque moves and shoe cleavage.
And LaKisha Jones got back in the game with "Stormy Weather," only the show by then was running so late -- thank you My Coke Rewards Program Stupid Viewer Questions -- no one got to say much more than "great job."
* * *
Competition here, competition there: Competition shows accounted for half the Top 10 heap last week. And that popping noise you hear is the sound of struggling prime-time series being put out of their misery.
Here's a look at the week's survivors and roadkill:
WINNERS
20th Annual Kids' Choice Awards. The most watched cable program of the week clocked 6.1 million viewers on Nickelodeon -- up from last year's 5.9 mil. This year's secret weapon: first-time host Justin Timberlake, who has come so far since searing the eyeballs of millions of children when he tore the bodice off Janet Jackson's costume at the Super Bowl and revealed her right breast -- after which he shouted to reporters, "This wasn't what we rehearsed!" and called it a "wardrobe malfunction." In an homage to that fateful halftime show, Timberlake used that very same line at the KCAs on Saturday when he got slimed at the end of his opening number, "You'll Never Get a Drop of Slime on Old JT."
"Dancing With the Stars."
ABC's dance competition series scored its best ever kickoff for the results show on Tuesday -- 18 million viewers -- despite an "American Idol" overlap of seven minutes.
LOSERS
"The Great American Dream Vote." ABC scrubbed this "Queen for a Day" update after just two broadcasts: Tuesday's unveiling, which fumbled two-thirds of its "Dancing With the Stars" lead-in audience, and Wednesday's show, which lost another 1.5 million.
"The Wedding Bells." Ask not for whom the bell tolls, David E. Kelley, it tolls for "Wedding Bells." It's still on the schedule this week, but that's a dead-cat bounce; it got the hook after a 4.4-million-viewer showing on Friday.
"Six Degrees." Deep-sixed after logging 3 million viewers on Friday. Friday, by the way, is where networks send freshman series to die quietly. It was the smallest audience for any Friday series on any of the five English-language broadcast networks, including CW, in four months -- back to Nov. 10 when similarly lamented "Vanished" did 2.9 million.
"The Black Donnellys." Say bye-bye to "Black Donnellys." NBC yanked it out of its Monday 10 p.m. berth to make way for a new reality series about the hilarity that ensues when improv actors crash weddings with the knowledge of the bride and groom but not their families and friends. "Black Donnellys" was scorched after posting 5.4 million viewers last week on Monday, off a "Deal or No Deal" lead-in crowd of 12.2 million.
"7th Heaven." CW has canceled this prime-time soap -- again. It was brought back from the dead, after cancellation last spring, but this time CW swears the May 13 finale really will be its last episode ever and our long nightmare will be over.
The week's 10 most watched programs, in order, were: Fox's Tuesday and Wednesday "American Idol"; CBS's "CSI"; Fox's "House"; ABC's Monday "Dancing With the Stars" debut and Tuesday results show; CBS's "Shark"; Fox's "'Til Death"; and CBS's Saturday basketball championship game and "Survivor: Fiji."
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