By Lisa de Moraes
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Fox asking Jennifer Lopez to come teach the Idolettes how to sing better is a little like MSNBC asking Tony Snow to give Don Imus candor lessons.
It's not going to end well.
In fact, it ended with Sanjaya Malakar, who has completely taken over the "American Idol" singing competition. This week he sprouted Marc Anthony-esque facial hair in honor of J. Lo's appearance as guest "mentor." Once again, his strategy worked like gangbusters -- she was utterly smitten.
"He chose a beautiful Spanish song and I have to tell you, he really impressed me!" J. Lo gushed to the camera after rehearsing "Besame Mucho" with Sanjaya. "I love Sanjaya!" she giggled, adding, "I think Simon might be impressed."
Sadly, she was right.
"I couldn't understand a word of it, you sang like a 14-year-old and -- I'm going to hate myself for this -- it wasn't horrible," judge Cowell confessed, like a man who has just had a near-death experience.
"You are one of the smartest contestants we've ever had," a mesmerized Randy Jackson told Sanjaya.
"Smooth. It was nice -- very, very nice," said Paula Abdul, who, strangely, seemed the least smitten of the three judges. (In fairness, Paula was still having hot flashes over Chris Richardson's nasal rendition of the sexy Santana/Rob Thomas tune "Smooth" about six performances back.)
Melinda Doolittle, as always, managed to turn this week's theme into golden-oldies night, but looked sensational in a little black dress, diamond necklace and black high-heeled pumps. Her voice, as usual, was perfect, and she lost her I'm a Little Teapot bendy move for the very first time. Best of all, when, for the very first time Simon -- the only judge worth listening to -- nicked her performance, saying, "It had to happen, Melinda; I didn't like it" and calling it "wooden" and "lazy," Melinda finally broke out and showed us her other side. You know, the non-"gee willikers, are you clapping for me?" side. She said to show host Ryan Seacrest, of Simon, "I'm happy because I think he really wanted to say something bad and I'm glad he got the chance." Oh, snap, Melinda! Just knowing she's capable of such cattiness makes us no longer hate the fact that she's going to win.
Simon also hated LaKisha Jones's performance. "You were having fun -- I'm not sure how much everyone at home was having fun," he said, adding that her dancing wasn't very good.
On the other hand, he raved about Chris's karaoke-singer-in-bar-on-cruise-ship-bound-for-Majorca rendition of the totally hot "Smooth," calling him better than Melinda and LaKisha, though he also started calling Paula "whateverhernamewas," so we think he's suffering from early-onset Alzheimer's or at least the vapors.
Haley Scarnato continued to shed fabric in a desperate campaign to stay in the competition. She did a "High School Musical" version of "Turn the Beat Around," causing Simon to applaud her strategy to "wear the least amount of clothing possible" because, he said, she can't do well in this competition based on her voice.
Phil Stacey gave J. Lo goose bumps, only not in a scary Nosferatu way but in a "she's feeling his passion" way. But then he sang "Maria Maria" for viewers and Simon had nothing positive to say. Phil, who's no dummy, shrewdly took the opportunity to remind all the womenfolk out there in the audience that he has an adorable new baby girl, who, he says, just got a new stuffed cow she has somehow named "Simon Cow" even though she doesn't speak yet.
Jordin Sparks sang "The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" like a slow march. J. Lo said she reminded her of Michael Jackson. No, I can't begin to explain. Jordin mouthed "I love you" to viewers at home, which must be stopped.
Blake Lewis said he's going to sing "I Need to Know," "by J. Lo's husband." Interestingly, J. Lo never referred to him as "my husband," only as "Marc Anthony." Simon called it the best performance of the night. Seriously, something is wrong with Simon this week.
* * *
Sure, Fox has "American Idol" on Tuesday and Wednesday. But CBS takes Thursday, Friday and Sunday, bolstered last week by NCAA men's basketball championship play on Monday. CBS wins, though Fox did dominate among the younger viewers advertisers pay more to reach.
Here's a look at the week's strong and weak:
WINNERS
NCAA basketball championship game. About 19.6 million people watched Florida rout Ohio State to become the first school since Duke in the early '90s to win back-to-back national titles. That's about 2 million more than watched Florida whomp UCLA last year.
"The Ten Commandments." Sure, Cecil B. DeMille's cheese-tastic flick is down 15 percent year to year. But it still attracts enough young viewers to win Saturday night in its third decade on ABC.
"Entourage." A "Sopranos" lead-in goosed viewing levels for the return of HBO's ensemble comedy; its nearly 4 million viewer tally was more than a million better than June's season-debut crowd.
LOSERS
"The Sopranos." Despite an orgy of press excess, Sunday's official kickoff of the final batch of episodes logged just 7.7 million viewers. Back in March '06, 9.5 million caught the Sunday start of Season 6. In its heyday, back in September '02, the fourth-season opener logged nearly 13 million. HBO notes that each episode of its series runs several times each week and is available on demand.
"The Shield." Tuesday's sixth-season debut of FX's corrupt-cop drama drew a disappointing 2.1 million viewers -- the series's smallest debut yet. Previous low was its third-season opening audience of 2.8 million; 3.4 million tuned in for its fifth-season starter.
"Andy Barker, P.I." NBC yanked the Conan O'Brien-exec-produced sitcom from Thursday nights effective immediately; last week's episode logged just 4.07 million viewers. The final two episodes of the six-episode order will be burned off Saturday, wrapping up Andy Richter's latest try at a prime-time sitcom; earlier efforts include "Quintuplets" and "Andy Richter Controls the Universe."
"Prison Break." Last week's season finale audience -- about 8.1 million viewers -- was no match for last season's May finale haul of more than 10 mil.
"Desperate Housewives." Nicked by "The Sopranos," ABC's drama logged its lowest ratings for an original episode -- still about 16 million viewers, making it the night's most watched program.
The week's 10 most watched programs, in order, were: Fox's Tuesday and Wednesday "American Idol"; CBS's "CSI"; Fox's "House"; CBS's NCAA basketball championship; ABC's Monday "Dancing With the Stars" and "Desperate Housewives"; CBS's "Shark"; ABC's Tuesday "Dancing With the Stars" and CBS's "Without a Trace."
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