Week 709: A Return Engagement
Even though this year's tax deadline isn't until Tuesday, it is still possible that one or two of you reading this column have already sent in your returns and can turn your attention fully to the task at hand. And the rest of you can easily catch up, because you'll be full of fresh ideas with which you can vent: This week: Come up with some novel change to the tax code: a tax on something that ought to be taxed, a credit for something that should be rewarded, what that $3 should go to instead of presidential campaigns, etc. Serious tax reform ideas are not welcome, any more than they are in Congress. This week's contest was suggested by Eager Beaver Loser Drew Bennett, who probably filed on Jan. 2.
Winner gets either (1) his next year's taxes paid for by The Washington Post Co. or (2) the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy (The Post chooses). First runner-up receives an original poster of the Captain and Tennille -- those icons of the Golden Age of the Death Throes of Top 40 Radio -- that Washington Post sports copy editor Sushant Sagar had been holding on to since 1976. We are certain that Sushant will henceforth be called Muskrat Love Sagar by the sports department, including on his pay stub.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 23. Put "Week 709" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Results will be published May 13. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Randy Lee. Next week's revised title is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village
Report From Week 705
in which we asked for amusing analogies: Note that, unlike in the two previous analogy contests, we didn't ask for bad ones, just amusing ones. Sure, often their badness is what's funny about them, but even here, things don't always have to be bad to be good.
5. His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks. (W.H. Welsh IV, Springfield)
4. The evening was as uneventful as a spin of Left Foot Red when your left foot is already on red. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
3. Jim was as nervous as an albino penguin in a bowling alley. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
2. the winner of the Wedding Slinger toy-bride-shooter: His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he gets hit with the automatic external defibrillators. (Anthony Yeznach, Wilsonville, Ore.)
And the Winner of the Inker
(Bob Staake For The Washington Post)
Her mouth was so sensual and delicate you would never use the word "piehole" to describe it. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
The Other Metaphortunates
She felt alone and threatened, like a fat cell on a a fashion model's thigh. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)
As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)