With Older Kids, Wait to Be Asked For Assistance

Kathleen V. Hoover-Dempsey is chairman of the Department of Psychology and Human Development at Vanderbilt University and has researched parental involvement in homework from preschool through high school. Following are excerpts of a conversation staff writer Valerie Strauss had with her about parents, students and homework.

Q: What are some of the things parents do wrong in trying to help with homework?

A:They say things like, 'Here, let me help you with this', 'I will take a look at this,' 'Give me some time to handle this.' It's engaging in the child's work, or overseeing the work without any invitation from the child or without any kind of observation about whether and what kind of help a child is going to need.

At what point should parents be involved, and at what point should they let go?

It has to do with the developmental level of the child. In elementary school, it is far more appropriate for parents to engage in helping with, monitoring and overseeing their children's homework. It should be based on the parents' observation, based on whether the child is stuck or frustrated with something.

By the time children are moving into early adolescence and middle school, they begin to see themselves as increasingly autonomous persons. It becomes real important at that point for parents to respect and regard positively kids' needs for more autonomy. It doesn't mean that parents never get involved or never watch what's going on until they are invited. It does mean you don't barge in and say, 'Here, let me help you.' It's far more appropriate saying, 'Hey, I've been noticing X, Y and Z. Is there anything I can do to help?"

What should schools do to help parents figure out the right balance?

I think schools do, particularly in fourth and fifth grades, start saying to the kids, 'This is for you to do on your own.' Parents simply don't know how much is appropriate, and schools should be giving them feedback and guidelines.

Do you think more parents are inappropriately intruding?

I think there is more of it [today than in years past]. The reality is that kids always, from preschool through college, really benefit from a parent's interest, general oversight and willingness to be engaged. And the willingness to be engaged if a child is getting out of bounds emotionally is important. But in general, it's about waiting for that explicit invitation.