Lighting Up a Cuban

Cuban has a Boeing 757 with a weight room and HDTVs that he lent to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for their nuptials in Italy.

(Personal note: In a sign of things to come, I took a hearse to my second wedding.)

Alas, he apparently believes that obscene wealth and the occasional 17-game winning streak give him a license to brag, blabber and blog with impunity.

Cuban never gets tired of the sound of his own voice. The problem is, he has a tin ear; every time he opens his mouth, he hears Sinatra.

But the real problem runs deeper than his constant self-aggrandizement. Cuban is symptomatic of an increasingly uncivilized, unruly sporting public -- if he doesn't get his way, he cries and, if nobody listens, he cries louder.

And if the Mavericks finally win the NBA title, Cuban probably will hire Tarantino to produce the championship video.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Do you think bullpen carts will ever make a comeback in baseball? (Dan Wise; Minneapolis)

A. If shortsighted Bud Selig ever lifts the restrictions on Japanese imports, Honda has a hybrid cart that will knock your socks off.

Q. Why would Joey Crawford want to fight Tim Duncan? (Tim Royce; Memphis)

A. Well, for starters, I know NBA refs have been stewing ever since Charles Barkley kicked Dick Bavetta's butt in a foot race.

Q. I am getting married soon. Would you attend the ceremony and act as the honorary starter? (Phil Hausman; Albany, N.Y.)

A. The thing is, virtually every wedding I attend -- yeah, most of them are my own -- ends problematically. And I'd really like to see you kids make it.

Q. Man, does Kobe Bryant ever shoot a lot. Will he be the first basketball player to need Tommy John surgery? (Thomas C. Baumann; Pittsburgh)

A. Actually, in the NBA I believe they call that "World B. Free surgery."

Q. Is it true the Michelin Man has been taking substances from Barry Bonds's locker? (Joe Marusic; New Berlin, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!