A Passenger by Any Other Name . . .

By John Kelly
Monday, April 23, 2007

What's in a name? If it's "John Kelly," an infinite world of wonder. And the occasional delay at the airport.

My recent column about how my rather mundane name is on some sort of government watch list brought commiseration from others in the same boat. And it wasn't all John Kellys.

There was John Murray of Woodbridge, for example. "I couldn't terrorize a geriatric bridge club but when I enter an airport, I'm public -- or is it international? -- enemy number one," John wrote. "Yes, some John Murray has disappointed his well-intentioned mother and father by dastardly deeds unknown to this namesake, yet I bear his burden. I receive such a workover at airport security that I have threatened to arrive at the airport totally unclothed and let TSA take it from there."

Instead, John purchases his tickets using the initials of his first name. And now he zips through security "as a retired Justice Department attorney ought to do. I suggest you reinvent yourself as well."

Tom Shaw of Alexandria said he can relate. A year ago, he traveled with his teenage son to London and Paris. When they arrived at Heathrow, Tom was told his baggage had been detained at Dulles for further scrutiny. On the return trip, Tom was pulled out of the line into a small room, and his baggage scrutinized by two agents.

"My son was getting concerned about what Dad really does for a living," Tom wrote.

Dick Tatlow of Marriottsville said his son-in-law, John Kelly, often flies in and out of Heathrow and has never been pulled out of line because he was on a watch list.

Wrote Dick: "Are you sure your deodorant is working? Or did you just need a topic for your column?"

Well, obviously I needed a topic for my column. That's what this John Kelly does. As for the deodorant, well, I had been on a plane for seven hours. But so had everyone else.

John Morrison lives in Arlington County. His full name is John Kelly Morrison. Two years ago he discovered he had been placed on the TSA "watch list and was subject to enhanced screening at the passenger screening checkpoints. That's in spite of holding a Top Secret security clearance for the last 30 years.

"It has been a real headache," wrote John, "and I have attempted to have my name removed from this list. As a result of my objections, TSA allowed me to complete its Passenger Identity Verification Form in which I provided notarized copies of my passport, voter registration card and drivers license. As a result, TSA provided me a letter which I am to show at check in; however, the letter has been little help and I have still been subjected to delays.

"I am not, however, your evil twin."

Neither is it John Kelly of Alexandria. "I promise it wasn't me," he wrote. "I've never even left the country, but now I have something to look forward to on my first international trip this summer."

John Kelly of Ponchatoula, La., confessed it must be him the TSA is after: "As the eighth of nine children in an Irish-Catholic family one has to resort to a lot of what now passes for terrorism just to survive. But I'm not admitting to anything!"

England Swings

Fairfax's Kate Schwarz was among readers who wanted to add their favorite London signs to the list I printed after my trip to Airstrip One. Kate's is "Mind the Gap." Jim Scribner wrote that, as "a child of the '60s," he especially appreciates the term used to direct patrons to the London underground station exits: "WAY OUT."

Harry Hickey of Arlington still remembers the notice he saw posted on Edinburgh buses on his one trip to Britain, in 1959: "The amenity of our streets is entrusted to your consideration."

And Sharon Isch of the District wrote that she loves the simple black-on-white sign posted wherever a London city sidewalk is narrowed to accommodate construction. Underneath the contractor's name is "Regret Any Inconvenience to the Public."

Ain't That the Truth

My distaste for the word "actually" prompted Warrenton's Diane Klein to share her own pet peeve. It's when "someone will begin a story with 'To be honest with you.'

"Sheesh! No, please lie to me!"

My e-mail:kellyj@washpost.com