'Idol Gives Back' and Simon Gives In

After weeks of buildup, it's finally time for "Idol Gives Back" -- a two-night orgy of advertising clutter and celebrity parading for the sake of raising money to spend on children living in poverty in Africa and the United States.

We know last night's show is special because host Ryan Seacrest didn't shave, show judge Simon Cowell is wearing a shirt with actual buttons, and Ivanka Trump or her clone is in the audience.

In honor of the charity fundraiser, the Idolettes have been ordered to pick inspirational songs to sing this week. And Fox parent News Corp. has said it will donate 10 cents per vote cast by viewers in this week's singing competition, up to 50 million votes. That's 5 million bucks, which, while a lot in the real world, is not a huge amount for News Corp. chief Rupert Murdoch. Here's hoping about 80 million votes are cast and he feels foolish cutting it off at the 50 mil mark.

Oh, and each of the six remaining contestants has been given two phone numbers and viewers are being given twice as long to cast their phoned and texted-in votes "to make it easier to get through," Seacrest says. Oh, so now they're saying they can do something about the weekly phone logjam. Interesting.

Simon has been neutered for the occasion, saying nice things about all the Idolettes (except, of course, LaKisha Jones, about whom no one ever says anything nice anymore for reasons we have yet to figure out). When Simon visits a Los Angeles food bank during one of broadcast's many taped bits, he actually demands people there hug him, giving us the vapors.

After Beatbox Boy Blake Lewis performs a high school karaoke-night-fundraiser rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine," Simon sucks it up and says, "You sang it with sincerity, so -- good." I swear, he did.

He doesn't even rough up Chris Richardson for his nasal (remember, "nasal" is a stylistic choice, Chris taught us before) take on Eric Clapton's "Change the World," instead calling it "sexier than usual."

Everyone's run out of things to say about professional singer Melinda Doolittle. Simon reaches back for his "vocal master class" line and lets it go at that.

After Phil Stacey hacks away at "The Change," Simon begs him to be their country singer for the show's remaining weeks, having -- like the rest of us -- figured out what a huge mistake it was not to cast a country singer among this year's Idolettes. If Phil goes all-country-all-the-time, Simon says cajolingly, he could do well in this competition because people like him personally.

And when Jordin Sparks shrieks her way through the final notes of a more than 60-year-old Broadway musical number, "You'll Never Walk Alone" from "Carousel," Simon, instead of going in for the kill like he always does when a song is "old" or "Broadway," much less ancient and Broadway, says she would have a hit on her hands if she recorded it today.

On the other hand, he nicks poor LaKisha for belting out "I Believe," accusing her of "shouting." Poor LaKisha also is singled out for trash talk by judge Randy Jackson and even Paula Abdul this week. But, especially in light of the praise they lavished on the guys who -- we cannot say this too often -- really stink this season, their comments are absurd. Paula says it was a bad song choice because the tune is so closely identified with former "Idol" winner Fantasia Barrino, who, Paula says, falls in the category of un-coverable singing sensations like Whitney Houston and Celine Dion.

Only the studio audience sticks up for LaKisha and boos the judges.