By Lisa de Moraes
Thursday, May 3, 2007

Bon Jovi night proved too much for the men, most of whom got the hook last night on "American Idol."

Because none of the Idolettes was booted last week, when "we played nice in the name of charity," as show host Ryan Seacrest explained, two must die this week.

Like Chris Richardson, who taught us that singing through one's nose is a "vocal choice." The loss of Chris no doubt comes as a devastating blow to the woman whom Seacrest interviewed at the Los Angeles Farmers Market. She wanted Chris to win the singing competition "for sure" because "he's awesome and hot and looks like Justin Timberlake, which is super cool." Not surprisingly, the old men in the market want Melinda Doolittle to win. This is the worst nightmare of "Idol" producers and the Fox network.

Also gone is Phil Stacey, from whom we learned that sucking up to the "Idol" audience with an "I love you!" shout-out at the end of each performance is not a wasted effort. If only he hadn't waited to play his "my dad is a pastor" card, about how he'd been forbidden to listen to rock music as a kid and had to secretly practice Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory." Chicks love that stuff. Too late!

Speaking of double the fun, last night on a definitely not padded "American Idol" results show, we got to hear two pop singers perform. Bon Jovi, of course, because lead singer Jon Bon Jovi graciously agreed to be guest coach this week and he deserves some payback. But also Robin Thicke and his Itty-Bitty Falsetto, who sounded like a bad "Idol" auditioner.

This week's Ford Music Video: Cirque du Ford, in which the Idolettes sang "Paint It Black" as members of a circus act. Jordin Sparks was a mermaid in a dunking tank; Melinda was a contortionist and still had no neck; LaKisha Jones had red hair; Chris was a juggler; Blake Lewis was the puppet master; and, in a fitting end to Phil's career, he actually was Nosferatu.

And this week's Idol Brainteaser to win $10-thou? For the latest Ford Music Video, did the Idolettes visit (a) a laundromat, (b) a carwash or (c) a circus?

And speaking of puppet master, "American Idol" nearly had its very first pistols-at-dawn moment last night. Seacrest and Judge Simon Cowell nearly came to blows when Simon put his hand on Paula Abdul's neck as she answered one of Seacrest's beauty-pageant questions, causing Paula to shriek that she's not his puppet, causing Seacrest to say, "We've seen his puppet -- you're much prettier," causing Simon to refuse to answer his beauty-pageant question until Seacrest apologized for insulting his girlfriend, causing Randy Jackson to remind Simon that she's actually his fiancee not his girlfriend, causing Seacrest to respond that he was referring to something else. By which we think he meant Simon's Little Simon.

Now Blake is the only guy left in the running. Also still standing: Melinda -- favorite of old men in Bermuda shorts -- as well as Jordin and LaKisha.

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MTV, looking for a way to salvage its doddering MTV Video Music Awards -- a trophy show so old it's about to fall out of its own demographic -- has landed on a bold new strategy.

Instead of running the VMA ceremony over and over again for the next several days after the original telecast, the Sumner Redstone-d network has decided to telecast it just once.

You know, like a broadcast network.

"We really want it to be, you tune in that night and what happens you might not see again," the show's new executive producer, Jesse Ignjatovic, told the Associated Press.

The 24-year-old VMAs have, for some time, been shedding viewers faster than a bulimic tosses calories. As recently as 2002, its first telecast was clocking 12 million viewers. Last August, fewer than 6 million bothered to tune in to its live telecast; subsequent replays picked up only about half the crowd it once copped.

This year, the rebroadcasts will be clip jobs instead of the entire trophy show; MTV promises to let viewers "help" decide which clips will be rerun.

Once upon a time the VMAs, which were started as a sort of antidote for the Grammys, were known for their water-cooler moments. Remember Britney Spears kissing Madonna? Remember Lisa Marie Presley making out with Michael Jackson? How about Lil' Kim's pasty ensemble? Eminem feuding with almost everyone? Pretty tame stuff now.

Last year, MTV tried to scare up more viewers by promising to shake up the show.

"This show has been lame farts for the past 20 years," host Jack Black said, getting to the nub of the issue. Sadly, his at-bat made it 21.

The trophy show is being moved to Las Vegas -- like the Miss America pageant -- and the network will have three days' worth of walk-up programming before the Sept. 9 broadcast. It's going to be telecast from the Palms Casino Resort, which is located about a mile off the Strip -- a resort dedicated to having B- and C-listers sighted there as often as possible. Recently, when the resort opened its $80 million concert theater, the Pearl, its publicist reported the "Hollywood elite" who attended included "Dave Navarro, No Doubt, Tommy Lee, Kevin Connolly, Paris Hilton and others." And Gwen Stefani performed. Wasn't she the lousy guest coach on "American Idol" the other day?