'Allo, Luv!

Things You'd Say to the Queen -- If You Only Had the Chance

The sad reality for local royalists is that unless you're a bigwig with A-list connections, you're not likely to cross paths with the queen of England, who today begins a three-day visit to the Washington area. The odds of bumping into Her Majesty at the local Safeway or when she's out for a morning run, are, as the Brits would say, nil.

So that's where we come in. A few weeks ago, the Sunday Source asked readers to submit what they would say to the queen if they had a moment of her time. We received dozens of responses. Some were respectful. Others less so. (Randy from Burke, did you really think we'd print that in the paper?)

Some of the comments made us think that perhaps we should give readers a few guidelines on how to behave in the presence of royalty. Since we were pretty much clueless on the matter, we rang up Buckingham Palace.

"There really are no expectations or rules of etiquette," says the especially nice spokeswoman (ooh, that accent) for the royal household. "The queen wants people to be themselves. She is there to meet people and to find out more about them."

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but here are some things you probably shouldn't do if you're lucky enough to land a brief audience with ma'am:

• When you shake her hand, don't tickle her palm with your pinky.
• Along the same lines, do not ask her to pull your finger. This will give you away as a rube from the Colonies.
• If she has spinach on her teeth, you can mention it to her, but don't offer to remove it yourself. She has people who do that.
• Even if you're a pretty young thing, don't bother asking for her grandson Wills's phone number. Apparently, he fends for himself perfectly well.
• Finally, don't slip her cash. It's just not done.

And if you can't think of anything to say, try cribbing from our readers. We asked readers to send in what they would say if given 15 seconds to meet with her. Here are a few of our favorite responses (and, yes, we will send a copy to the queen in care of the British Embassy):

Harry Potter and You, Too

Hello, Your Majesty, what brings you here today? I would very much like to visit England. If I did, I would go see Buckingham Palace and Big Ben. I have read a book about a scrawny boy who finds out that he is a wizard. The author of the book lives in England.