World's Oldest Confession

I ask you: Is $300 too much to pay for all of that?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is. It's not exactly the sort of thing a man can tell his wife: "Honey, I spent $300 on an escort." That's why I had to be sneaky, especially when it came to paying.

Three hundred dollars is about the cost of a mulching lawnmower, so I would always write "6.5 horsepower Toro" in the memo line of the checks I made out to Pamela Martin & Associates. As long as I kept the grass short, my spouse was none the wiser.

Why have I chosen to come forward now? Well, it was only a matter of time before my secret would come out. I survived "20/20" unscathed, but I knew that if the story ever got on NewsChannel 8, I'd be a goner. Better to just come clean and apologize to everyone I've harmed.

To my children: Daddy made a mistake.

To My Lovely Wife: I'm sorry. Would it make it any better if I said Brunhilde reminded me of a young you? I didn't think so.

To my dog: Hey, at least you don't have worms.

To show just how sorry I am, I will be writing a book called "I'm Really, Really Sorry" and embarking on a 12-city speaking tour informally dubbed Grovelpalooza '07. I will seek counseling from an ordained minister of a yet-to-be-determined religion. I'm currently in negotiations for a reality TV show.

If I can reach just one person with Fox TV's "Lawnmower? I Just Met Her," then this sad episode will not have been in vain.

Branching Out

In a column last week, I wrote that I wasn't sure what species a favorite tree I spot from the Metro is. Now I know. Several readers wrote in to say it's a Paulownia tomentosa.

Paulownias, wrote Katie Phalen of Clarksville, "have lavender, tubular blossoms in loose clusters with a fragrance reminiscent of incense, and the leaves appearing after the flowers are heart-shaped and grow very large."

The trees grow very fast, producing a fine-grained wood much prized in Japan for musical instruments and furniture. The wood is so valuable that "tree rustlers" sometimes cut Paulownias down under cover of darkness. Katie said there is a small plot of them -- the trees, not the rustlers -- at Brighton Dam on the Montgomery-Howard county line.

My e-mail:kellyj@washpost.com