World's Oldest Confession

By John Kelly
Monday, May 7, 2007

I may as well admit it: I'm on that list. You know, that list. The list of clients of Pamela Martin & Associates, the escort service run by alleged Washington madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey.

Although I never quite understood why they called it an "escort" service, since we never actually went anywhere.

Ha ha.

But let me make this clear: I did not have sex with those women. The occasional back rub and foot massage, yes. Arm-, leg- and thumb-wrestling, sure. Mumbletypeg every now and then. But no hanky-panky.

Oh, I also had them change the timing belt on my Mazda and deworm the dog. Hey, they said they'd do anything for $300 an hour.

Anything legal, that is. After all, PM&A was a "legal, high-end erotic fantasy service." Sometimes a man's wife -- even My Lovely Wife -- forces him to turn to such a service.

I would sometimes use my cellphone to call the alleged D.C. madam. "My wife doesn't understand me," I would whisper, my hand cupped over the mouthpiece. "Can you send one of your girls over?"

She would arrive and we'd get right to business. "You know my fantasy," I would say. "Tall glasses on the outside of the upper rack, tumblers and coffee cups to the inside, with soup bowls down the middle. Large plates at the back of the lower rack, small plates at the front, cereal bowls around the edges. And for the love of all that is holy, put the knives in the cutlery compartment with their points facing down."

I'm very particular about how the dishwasher is loaded.

Then, if there was time, we'd head to the couch and watch "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit." (My wife draws the line at "Law & Order: Criminal Intent.") If I was feeling especially frisky, I wouldn't share the ottoman.

Did I feel bad? Yes, I did. I felt like a bad boy, a very bad boy indeed.

Which is why I would sometimes ask Tiffanie, Jazmin or Brunhilde to spank me, but -- and I can't stress this enough -- in a legal, high-end sort of way.

I ask you: Is $300 too much to pay for all of that?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is. It's not exactly the sort of thing a man can tell his wife: "Honey, I spent $300 on an escort." That's why I had to be sneaky, especially when it came to paying.

Three hundred dollars is about the cost of a mulching lawnmower, so I would always write "6.5 horsepower Toro" in the memo line of the checks I made out to Pamela Martin & Associates. As long as I kept the grass short, my spouse was none the wiser.

Why have I chosen to come forward now? Well, it was only a matter of time before my secret would come out. I survived "20/20" unscathed, but I knew that if the story ever got on NewsChannel 8, I'd be a goner. Better to just come clean and apologize to everyone I've harmed.

To my children: Daddy made a mistake.

To My Lovely Wife: I'm sorry. Would it make it any better if I said Brunhilde reminded me of a young you? I didn't think so.

To my dog: Hey, at least you don't have worms.

To show just how sorry I am, I will be writing a book called "I'm Really, Really Sorry" and embarking on a 12-city speaking tour informally dubbed Grovelpalooza '07. I will seek counseling from an ordained minister of a yet-to-be-determined religion. I'm currently in negotiations for a reality TV show.

If I can reach just one person with Fox TV's "Lawnmower? I Just Met Her," then this sad episode will not have been in vain.

Branching Out

In a column last week, I wrote that I wasn't sure what species a favorite tree I spot from the Metro is. Now I know. Several readers wrote in to say it's a Paulownia tomentosa.

Paulownias, wrote Katie Phalen of Clarksville, "have lavender, tubular blossoms in loose clusters with a fragrance reminiscent of incense, and the leaves appearing after the flowers are heart-shaped and grow very large."

The trees grow very fast, producing a fine-grained wood much prized in Japan for musical instruments and furniture. The wood is so valuable that "tree rustlers" sometimes cut Paulownias down under cover of darkness. Katie said there is a small plot of them -- the trees, not the rustlers -- at Brighton Dam on the Montgomery-Howard county line.

My e-mail:kellyj@washpost.com