Offering Both the Nice and the Nasty, E-Mail Lists Surge in Usage

"That's when we decided we needed to moderate it," Robin said. "Once you get to a certain size, you need a sheriff, or it really is anarchy."

Now, the two comb through 500 to 700 messages a month to keep the discussions from growing too heated, too off-topic or too personal. The Cleveland Park list runs on a rough parliamentary system in which writers are admonished to address the entire group, not just the loudmouth going on and on about parking in the alley.

"Our motto is 'Attack the argument, not the person,' " Adler said. "If somebody is really disruptive, we just ban them."

Mary Huber of Dale City said a debate over a proposal to change the schedule of school holidays for the Mount Vernon Community Schools grew so toxic that it drove her from her neighborhood e-mail group.

"Some of the parents had strong opinions, and it just got very, very personal," she said. "That's when I asked to be taken off."

Jarrett said her Chevy Chase e-mail village is, by and large, a friendly one. Its members even held a real-world mixer recently so members could match e-mail names to faces.

But she does recall one ugly flap, in which someone alerted others that a family was mistreating its dogs by leaving them out in freezing weather. People posted harsh attacks; some drove by the house and honked their horns. The beleaguered owners finally posted an explanation: The dogs were a cold-weather breed and the doghouse was heated.

Jarrett said she hadn't participated in the war of words but wanted to apologize to the family for their rough treatment.

And how did she do that?

"I sent them a note," she said. "A real note. In the mail."