Below the Beltway

Ordinary persons such as you probably don't realize it, but famous literary figures such as myself and the poet laureate of the United States often get together to discuss eternal verities. Recently, Poet Laureate Billy Collins and I traded insights about the human experience.

Me: Isn't Billy a stupid name for the poet laureate? Shouldn't you have a more dignified name, like Heathcliffe?

PLOTUS: Well, it's an anti-literary name. Literary names tend to use initials, like T.S. Eliot. Eliot didn't say, but it is clear to me that the "J" in "J. Alfred Prufrock" stands for "John." He was trying to hide the fact that he had a plain first name. I am the opposite. I would be Johnny Prufrock. Or better, Jon-Boy Prufrock.

Me: Most of us are first exposed to poetry in fourth grade when we are encouraged to recite this, in the following manner: "IthinkthatIshallneversee apoemlovelyasatree atreewhosehungrymouthispressed against theEarth'ssweetflowingbreast . . . "

Now, aside from the bosom theme, can we agree that this is without merit, a total hack job?

PLOTUS: It's pretty dreadful. One of those poems that give poetry a bad name.

Me: So should we shoot all fourth-grade teachers?

PLOTUS: Many people hate poetry, and many of them teach English. You know, we're born as poets. The heartbeat you hear in the womb is iambic-dah-DUM, dah-DUM. So we've already taken a course in meter when we come out of the womb. Then we have the poetry beaten out of us by teachers.

Me: Your poetry seems shockingly straightforward and understandable and funny. Why haven't you been drummed out of the Society of Pretentious-Snot Poets?

PLOTUS: I used to be a member! I am a lapsed obscure poet. I committed acts of literature resulting in poems so obscure even I had no idea what they were about. One was titled "Before the Words of Yearning Waned, Yearning Waned."

Me: Wow.

PLOTUS: Yeah.