Breaking Free of Suburbia's Stranglehold

Doug, 36, a chief technologist in Chantilly, had been mowing one evening when a friend dropped by needing to talk. Doug stopped to listen.

A baby step, sure, but an important one for the Schnelzers, who decided recently to stop striving for domestic perfection and forge deeper connections with family and friends. They now gather their children -- Pauline, 8, Travis, 5, and Logan, 3 -- for family prayer each evening.

Doug left work early recently to watch Travis's hockey practice at the Ashburn Ice House, but sitting in the chilly rink, he had to block the urge to check his PDA every five minutes.

"There's no magic bullet," he said. "People don't radically change overnight. It's the decision you make every day: How do you actually spend your time?"

The week the lawn had sideburns, Liz Schnelzer deliberately left dishes in the sink and a pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded -- so high she could see it towering over the back of her sofa -- to take one of her twice-weekly walks with her friend Roberta Weiker, 27.

Despite living in a planned community with plenty of opportunities to socialize -- swimming pools, miles of trails, even a bullfrog pond -- deep connections are sometimes hard to come by, said Liz, 38.

Everybody was welcoming when the family moved in, she adds quickly. Family members were deluged with gifts. But five years later, they have yet to have any couple over for dinner.

One recent spring day, she, Roberta and their kids meandered through the neighborhood to a playground, discussing whether Roberta and her husband should buy their first home in the neighborhood, as well as less earth-shattering topics: what was on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," cat allergies. The kids ran. Liz went down the curly slide.

"My biggest fear is being late for something," Liz said. "So what if we're a half an hour late to a lesson sometime? It's not that big a deal, but it drives my blood pressure up. I'm trying to let my body deal with it first, almost go into a state of deep breathing, a yoga thing." Prayer also helps: She often recites Psalm 118 to herself.

Recently, she was saying, things got crazy, and she called each of her girlfriends to say that whatever happens, they should get together. People should come first, she said.

Halfway through this telling, though, she stopped and checked her watch. It was a reflex.

Kindergarten pickup was next.